


Break Down The Walls

by audhds



Series: Break Down The Walls [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Abused Castiel (Supernatural), And Sammy Of Course, Anxiety, BAMF Dean Winchester, Bad Parenting, Basically I Just Hurt Castiel A Lot And Make Dean Clean Up My Mess, Castiel Angst, Castiel Feels, Castiel Has Daddy Issues, Castiel Has Issues, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel Whump, Castiel has Anxiety, Child Abuse, Crying Castiel, Dean Saves The Day, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Castiel, Men Crying, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Protective Dean Winchester, Touch-Starved Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-17 15:17:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audhds/pseuds/audhds
Summary: When Sam and Dean enter a haunted cottage for a simple salt and burn, the last thing they expect to find is a severely abused, blue eyed, nineteen year old. Will the Winchesters be able to fix Castiel, or has he already fallen too far? I suck at summaries but please give this a go :D





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone :D
> 
> This fic is fully written, I am just editing and re-posting it, so updates will be every/every other day. Warnings for abuse and me basically mistreating Castiel, but I promise I make it all better :D
> 
> Title is from 'Break Down The Walls' by Armatage Shanks.

_So let’s make this right,_  
_And I’ll hold you tight,_  
_Through the whole night,_  
_Just you and I._

_Gonna break down the walls,_  
_That are building up around you,_  
_Gonna be strong, believe, when no one is around!_

Once again the Winchesters had spent their week driving, arguing, listening to classic rock, killing some evil sonsofbitches, salting and burning anything that came in their way and shooting some spirits for good measure.

There was no reason for today to be any different.

Then again, the Winchester's could rarely find convincing reasons that explained all the hardship they had to go through. They had literally been to hell and back, and for what? To satisfy the sick desires of some demon, who would never win over Sammy anyway?!

Dean had never spent long dwelling on could-have-beens and what-ifs. He just didn't see the point, he had to carry on saving people and hunting things, so he might as well suck it up and deal with things like he always did. He would do anything to please his late father, even if it did mean putting his life at risk, he hid his doubts well.

It was that go-get-‘em attitude which caused Dean to pull up onto the drive of a run down old cottage. The windows were smashed, shards of broken glass carpeting the floor and reflecting what little sunlight passed through the dense woodland. Dean vaguely wondered why all the places he and Sammy visited were in the middle of nowhere and so ugly. Would it really hurt for a spirit to haunt some nice, accessible semi-detached house or a stripper bar or something? Couldn't they get a break at least this once? No. No they could not. Instead of a shady bar with hot, half-naked babes, Sam and Dean were making their way over to an unhinged door which was sagging against its frame and crumbling from rot.

At least it wouldn't need kicking down.

Sam stood one step behind his older brother, watching his back and holding his gun out in case of any unwelcome surprises. When no spirits decided to materialise Dean shouldered the door open and recoiled at the smell. It was a mixture of blood, rot and something that smelt suspiciously like urine. Overall, it was not a good combination. By no means were the Winchesters used to lavender and rose scented candles, but this place was really pushing things to the extreme end of unhygienic.

"That is fucking disgusting!"

"Ugh." Sam gagged and buried his nose in his charcoal grey hoodie; he had smelt corpses with a more pleasant scent than this!

"Probably squatters. Looks like they’ve long since cleared off. I can't see why, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather live." And it's back, the famous Dean Winchester sarcasm. This was going to be a long night and he needed some sort of coping mechanism, sarcasm was a good option and at least this was just a simple salt and burn.

Bobby had called the Winchesters earlier that day with information on a restless spirit haunting some cottage in the middle of nowhere, nothing too nasty yet; no-one had been hurt but there had been rumors going around about a ghost screaming in agony during the night. Those sorts of rumors could lead to hysteria – one thing the Winchesters really didn’t want to have to deal with.

The brothers had promised to check it out for Bobby and had come prepared for almost anything, guns, silver bullets, salt, holy water, a crucifix and other essentials had been packed in Dean's duffel. They were ready for business…and to collapse in some dingy motel room for a takeaway in front of the telly, a few beers and an early night.

Dean tentatively moved into the first room, what had once been a kitchen but was now a cemetery for dead mice, insects and god only knows how many bacteria. There was something green growing on what looked like a burger box and Dean began to regret the double-pattied, extra bacon and cheese loaded 'meal' he had consumed earlier. Sam followed with the EMF reader in his hand, although nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be going on.

"Nothing. Wanna go to the next room before we become re-acquainted with my dinner?"

"Don't be such a girl." Dean put up his usual tough-guy front but was grateful to leave the kitchen and enter the lounge. This room was almost as bad, there were stains covering the carpet and everything was covered in a thick layer of blood. Dean did a cursory sweep, gun in hand and waited for Sammy to give him the all clear on the EMF front.

"Still nothing. Are you sure this is the right place? It just looks like some manky old house, there's no sulphur, no markings on the walls and no screaming. Probably just locals making up horror stories for a laugh, maybe some junkies stabbed each other here or something."

"Yeah, evil spirits screaming in endless pain. Some guys really know how to party hard." The irony was practically tangible and Sam smiled to himself, Dean could get so uptight at times.

"Chill. Anyway, shall we go already?"

"Let's just check the bedrooms, and then we can go."

"Fine." Sam shrugged and followed Dean into the last two rooms, both of which were rather unremarkable, well at least in the sense of supernatural entities. The state of deterioration was just as horrifying to Sam though, he couldn't believe that the council had let this place get so bad, but then again the authorities never knew what they were doing and messed everything up, at least when it came to the supernatural. It looked as if their trip had been a complete waste of time.

When Dean was just five paces from the door Sam heard a muffled sound and a dull thud, he whipped around and raised his gun, pointing wildly at thin air.

"Dean! Tell me you heard that?"

"Yeah, where is the fugly?"

"I don't know. I can't see anything at the moment."

"Materialise you bitch, I am so not in the mood for games." There was no response and Dean groaned, it had been a long shot but he couldn't help but half hope that the spirit would do as he requested. That was when he heard another sound, a low whimper and frantic scrabbling. It sounded as if whatever the thing was, it was trapped in the walls.

"Whose there?" Sam tried to remain calm but he could feel beads of sweat trickling down his neck and his baggy hoodie suddenly seemed too tight and suffocating despite the cold. Dean was the one who plucked up the courage to go over to the wall, as always taking the dominant role and looking out for his brother. If anyone or anything wanted to hurt Sammy it would have to get through him first. He cautiously tapped the wall with one finger and the scrabbling sound immediately stopped. Dean frowned and knelt down to continue his tapping; it wasn't until he was a few meters down the wall that he heard a difference in the tone of his knocking. It now sounded hollow and the wall was slightly softer in texture.

"It's a fake wall."

"And where there is a wall, there is a door." Ever the voice of reason Sammy began to shift the chest of drawers that was resting against the wall, trying to ignore the cloud of dust that engulfed him as he did so. When the dust and cobwebs had settled down on the filthy floor Sam and Dean took a step back to examine the door, it looked just about big enough for a small adult or child to crawl into. There was a set of iron chains wrapped around the door handle and they were secured by a large, rusty padlock.

"Bingo." Dean pulled a knife out of his pocket and began to pick at the lock, letting out a low gasp his when he nicked the edge of his finger. He attacked the lock with renewed vigour and let out a whoop when it fell to the ground with a dull thud. Sam knelt down next to Dean and helped him remove the chains from the door, throwing them aside and stepping back as Dean swung it open.

"HOLY SHIT." Dean let out an exclamation of shock and when Sam turned to look at his brother he noticed that Dean's freckles stood out more than usual against his rapidly paling skin.

"What is it Dean?"

"W-who."

"What do you mean who? You are scaring me Dean."

"I mean that you mean who. There is someone in there." Dean took a step back and Sam was hit with the scent of urine, blood and sweat. Sam gagged slightly and had to take a good few calming breaths before he turned back to the curled up figure behind the door. The poor boy had been squashed up into a room no more than five by five feet. He was completely curled up over himself in a fetal position, unable to stretch out. Even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t as there were more chains wrapped around the figure's wrists and the room was so cramped that he could barely shift.

Dean took a closer look at the boy and realised how much shit they were in. His flesh was ghostly pale, almost glowing in the minimal light from the hallway, and those were just the few and far between areas that were not completely covered in bruising. The boy was covered in magnificent shades of blue, black, green, yellow and purple. Dean could count every one of the boy's ribs, see the outline of every bone, and see every single vein transporting blood through the boy's frail body. His spine was protruding and Dean could see that the boy's short, dark hair was matted with a mixture of blood and sweat. He could also see the tremors of sheer terror that shook through him, almost making him look like he was fitting or convulsing.

"Sammy. Car. Now. Get food, water, clothes and blankets. NOW." Dean kept his voice level but couldn't prevent the panic causing his pitch to go several octaves higher than normal. He chucked the Impala's key to Sammy before turning his attention back to the boy.

"Yes." Sam followed his brother's orders immediately, sprinting to the Impala and scrambled around manically, pulling out what he needed. When he came hurrying back, arms full, Dean was leaning in to the room as best as he could, talking in a deep, authoritative yet soothing voice.

"It's ok now. We are not going to hurt you. I’m Dean, this is my brother Sammy. We are here to help you." If there was a response from the boy, Sam didn't hear it. He watched as Dean cautiously began to untie the gag from the boy's mouth, causing him to retreat further and moan. When Dean finally got it off with fumbling fingers, he let the cloth drop to the floor.

"Dean?" Dean ignored his brother and continued trying to calm the boy down; clearly failing miserably since the stranger was hyperventilating and struggling for each breath, head bowed behind his tied hands.

"Please. We need to get you out of here. Just give me your hands and I can undo those chains." Once again there was no response, so Dean reached a hand into the room in an attempt to remove the chains. The boy let out a single, drawn out scream and began to thrash as best as he could, jarring his left arm and letting out a pitiful howl. After that his mouth opened in silent exclamations of horror, he could no longer get any sounds out.

"Hey, hey! Calm down. I won't hurt you." Dean shot Sam a desperate look but Sam just shrugged in response. He had no idea what to do either. Dean knew that he had to get the boy out of the room, but that the boy was not going to move towards them willingly, at least not without good reason to.

Dean felt incredibly guilty about his next plan, but he knew it would work. Therefore, he took the supplies from Sam and opened the first thing that came to hand, a large bar of chocolate. He ripped open the package and broke off a piece, placing the bar on the floor in sight of the boy and holding out the single piece of chocolate towards the door. It took a few moments for the boy to finally raise his head, and it was not a pretty sight by any stretch of the imagination. His nose was crooked and oozing blood, both of the boy's bright blue eyes were surrounded by dark bruising and his cheeks were so hollow that he looked practically skeletal. Dean felt an overwhelming urge to pull his hand away and run, but he didn't. Instead he kept the piece of chocolate held out towards the boy. One of them would break the stillness first, and Dean Winchester never broke. Admittedly it took a good five minutes, but the boy eventually leant his head forwards out of the door and took the chocolate from Dean's hand with his mouth, hands not currently being an option.

"There, see we are not going to hurt you. We want to help. Please just give me your arms and let me get you out of that hell hole." Blue eyes blinked rapidly as the boy began to glance wearily at Dean, then Sam and then back to Dean again. With his head still bowed he shuffled forwards slightly on his knees so that his head, shoulders and arms were outside of the cupboard/room.

"That's it." Now that he was in the light, the injuries looked even worse. His shoulder sported a deep gash which looked infected and the socket didn't seem right. Dean had experienced enough dislocated shoulders to know that this lad currently had one.

Sam, who had been standing back observing his brother nervously, resting his weight on one foot, then the other, forced himself to stop bobbing. He didn't want to scare the boy. He offered his brother the dagger, which Dean had disguarded earlier, and watched as Dean reached forward, carefully took hold of the boy's good arm and began to pick away at the chains. Despite his best efforts the boy still let out a few moans and a shriek of pain, but at least he did not struggle too much.

"There. There. All done." Dean smiled reassuringly at the pale figure in front of him, whose eyes were half closed with pain. Dean broke off a few more pieces of chocolate and held them flat in his hand, letting out a sigh of relief when he boy reached out a shaky hand, took the food and crammed it in his mouth. When was the last time he ate something? Dean handed the boy the rest of the chocolate bar and it wasn't until he looked up with those wide eyes that Dean realised how innocent he looked, poor thing.

"I am going to have to fix up that shoulder. I'm really sorry but it will hurt, but trust me it will feel better afterwards." The boy gave a terrified nod, too traumatized to speak, and a couple of stray tears slid down his cheeks.

"I will need you to come fully out of there, why don't you let Sammy hold you while I do it." The boy nodded and slid out of the room, a few inches at a time until he was hunched over in the hall, curling in on himself as if he were still in confined conditions. Sam took his cue and took a few steps forward, settling next to the boy and placing a tentative hand on his back. The dark haired child immediately flinched, but gave no signs of trying to run away. In fact, after a few moments, he rested his head on Sam's chest. However, his breaths had once again become fast and ragged and Sam wondered how long it would be before he had another fully-fledged panic attack.

"You're doing great. Just lean against me and Dean will sort you out." Sam felt the boy nod slightly and he gave Dean a nod of his own, informing his brother that it was now or never.

"Ok, I am going to pop it back in now, bite down on Sam's hoodie." The boy merely whimpered in response, took a mouthful of charcoal gray material and braced himself, ready for the pain. It wasn't as if he hadn't experienced enough of it. He felt an arm wrap around his waist and a hand stroking his hair, assuming it was Sam, the taller of the two brothers. If he wasn't so terrified he would have pulled away, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He was barely aware of Dean counting down from three, and suddenly his whole world was one white hot flash of pain. The fabric in his mouth didn't do much to muffle his cries of pain and the next thing he knew he was lying on his good side, on the hard floor.

"You a'right?" Blue eyes looked up and registered puppy dog eyes staring down at him; he flinched and curled up, only uncurling when Dean offered him a bottle of sickly sweet liquid. He drank deeply and looked up into Dean's eyes. He looked so strong, as if he could protect anyone from anything. There was something in that face that simply invoked trust.

The boy nodded and sat up further, shivering from the cold. He tried to cover himself up with trembling hands but was not doing a very good job of it. He looked pleadingly at Dean, who realised the issue and blushed. Why did I not think of that before? Suddenly self conscious he offered the boy some baggy t-shirts and blankets and turned away to give him some privacy. However, getting a top over a recently fixed dislocated shoulder was not easy and after what seemed like the hundredth grunt of pain, Dean helped the boy get dressed, being careful not to touch any bare skin. That might frighten him again.

"Do you think you can walk? We need to get you away from this place." Blue eyes met green and suddenly Dean was being engulfed in a brief hug. So brief that he wondered whether the action had been a figment of his imagination.

But it wasn’t imaginary, the boy was desperate to escape.

Dean took the hug as a yes and stood up himself, followed by Sam. Both brothers then took one side of the boy and helped him to stand. However, god knows how many hours of disuse meant that his legs no longer felt like supporting any weight. If it wasn't for Sam and Dean the boy would have fallen back to the ground. Dean was surprised by how tall the lad was, although he was frail and bony, Dean wondered whether he had misjudged the boy's age. He had originally assumed from the boy's tiny frame and terrified demeanor, that he was around fifteen, but now from the way he held his head up despite everything he guessed that he was around nineteen or twenty.

They made their way slowly out of the house, Dean eventually scooping the boy up in his arms and laying him across the back seat of the Impala before sliding into the driver's seat next to Sam.

"We are going to take you back to our motel room; then we can work out what to do next. Will you be okay in the back there for half an hour?" Once again Dean received no verbal response and he let out a small sigh.

"There is no need to be afraid." Sam tried to comfort the boy, but he still did not respond.

"C'mon buddy, talk to us. At least tell me your name." No response.

Dean gave up and pulled out of the drive, glad to leave that god-forsaken cottage behind. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that Sam came up with an idea. He didn't get into Stanford for nothing. He handed his mobile over the boy, who blinked at him confused.

"Can you type your name in for me?" There was a pregnant pause before the blue eyed boy finally began to type, and then handed the phone back, quivering harder than ever.

"Castiel." Sam read out the name which the boy had typed, mostly for Dean's benefit. Dean grinned at his brother's ingenious idea before speaking.

"Well, we're glad to meet you Cas; we will take good care of you and sort out the son of a bitch who did this to you." Tears welled up in Cas’ eyes when he heard the nickname, out of nowhere a long forgotten memory of a kind-faced woman came into focus and he heard her call him Cas, with so much love and affection in her tone that it made him want to melt. But Cas wouldn't let the tears fall. He had cried enough recently, so instead he sniffed softly before drifting into an uneasy sleep filled with dreams of a tall figure standing over him, fists raised and sneering down at him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :D

_I'm letting go of all I've held onto,_   
_I’m standing here until you make me move,_   
_I’m hanging by a moment here with you._

_I’m living for the only thing I know,_   
_I’m running and not quite sure where to go._   
_And in don’t know what I’m diving into,_   
_Just hanging by a moment here with you!_

Dean and Sam sent alternating glances towards the young man fast asleep behind them. Sam had covered him in a few more blankets which he had fished out from under his seat and was keeping a tight hold on the bag of ready meals he had bought from the general store by their motel. He and Dean had been planning on popping into a diner advertising 'The World's Best Pie,' but with a half unconscious Castiel in the back of the car, who needed some nutrients and fattening up, the Winchester's had gone for the next best thing.

The poor boy was twitching and gasping in his sleep, but Sam and Dean decided that a nightmare, no matter how awful, would be a better alternative to pain.

When they finally pulled in to the motel car park Sam left first, talking to the receptionist and asking her to show him the way to the breakfast room whilst Dean carried a barely conscious Castiel to their room, 101. The irony had not hit the Winchester's till now. Dean carefully laid the boy on the bed and rested his head on the pillow, Castiel's dark hair spiking up at all angles and only making his skin appear paler.

After Sam shoved the ready meals in the microwave provided with their room, which smelt as if someone had burnt a body in there, he grabbed the first-aid kits and chucked one to Dean. They began to work in silence, attaching steri-strips to all of the deep cuts and massaging some numbing creams into his bruised and battered body. Dean gently sat Cas up and was about to start bandaging his shoulder for support when a muffled cry escaped the boy's mouth.

"Hey, hey. It's ok buddy." Dean squeezed Cas' good shoulder lightly whilst Sam took the boy's shaking hands, partly to stop him from doing anything stupid and partly for comfort. Cas began to cry weakly and put up a brief attempt of getting away before giving up and slumping against Dean, although he did manage to pull his hands away from Sam. He still didn't trust him fully, the tall, broad stature and the size of his arm muscles. It wasn't that Cas thought Dean wouldn't be able to pack a hefty punch, but Sam's looming figure was intimidating and Dean had kind eyes. Cas could always read a lot from people's eyes, and Dean's deep green ones held nothing but concern and good intentions for him. Cas was sure of that.

He leant his head weakly against Dean's chest and allowed himself to fall fast asleep again, deep enough for Dean to wrap his arm, snap his nose back into place and to not wake when Sam swore loudly, having burnt his hand on one of the microwaved ready meals.

"Nice Sam, real cool and collected. Just the vibe we want to give off in front of him." Dean jerked his head towards the still sleeping Cas, who let out a muffled snore through his newly straightened nose.

"I hardly think that he cares if I swear at this moment in time Dean, he's asleep."

"Whoa, hold it there genius, he's asleep? I would never have guessed!" Sam punched his brother lightly on the shoulder and gave him the patented bitch-face before sitting down on his bed next to Dean, as Cas was currently sleeping in Dean's bed.

"Should we wake him for some food?"

"I guess so…" Dean stood, walked over to what had been his bed, and crouched down on his legs so that he would look smaller and less of a threat.

"Cas, wake up. Castiel, we've got some food for you." When Castiel didn't so much as stir Dean massaged his temple, sat on the edge of the bed and placed a light hand on Cas' uninjured arm. The boy awoke with a jerk and pulled away from Dean on instinct. He immediately began to shake and Dean sighed.

What on earth did that fugly do to make a nineteen year old so afraid? What can I do to help? Can I do anything to help?

"Hey, chill. Relax, we aren't gonna hurt you. Sam cooked some food for you, you must be starving. When was the last time you ate before we came?" Dean attempted to make the boy speak again but Cas just glanced at him with wide eyes. It suddenly struck Dean how empty his eyes seemed, devoid of anything but pain. There was no love in those eyes, no sign of affection and Dean once again found himself wondering what had happened to this boy to cause so much emotional scarring.

"Do you think you can make it to the table?" Castiel nodded blankly, he barely seemed to be hanging on to reality. His head kept jerking, blank eyes flickering towards imaginary threats, or at least threats that were not currently present.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, Sammy's cooking isn't that bad…well…" Dean attempted to ease the tension with humour, but was again disappointed when Cas took him completely seriously, eyeing the food with suspicion.

I think I will deserve a medal by the time I make this kid smile!

The three sat awkwardly at the table, Castiel only eating a few mouthfuls from his plate, spending most of his time pushing the spaghetti around. It was clear that he really didn't trust the Winchesters.

"Look, you don't have to eat it if you don't want it, but I promise that there is nothing in that meal that could hurt you. We want to help, don't we? Dean…" Dean, who had been absently eating his own meal, pondering the strange boy, nodded and smiled over at Cas, who seemed unnerved by the display of affection and turned away.

Another half an hour later, Castiel had only managed a few more mouthfuls and his head had fallen to his chest, the boy no longer having the energy to keep himself upright.

"Right, I think it's time for bed." Dean glanced at the clock pointedly, although it was only 9. "Do you want to use the shower first Cas?" Castiel pulled his heavy eyelids open and took Dean's question as an order, scooting up and locking himself in the bathroom immediately so that he would not get in trouble. His entire body was screaming in pain and Cas just wanted a few hours of peace before he had to return back to his abuser.

Thoughts of going back to the cottage sent a shiver of fear through Cas' frame, but he ignored the tremors and stepped into the shower. Being careful not to get his bandages wet, Cas stood in the cubicle for well over twenty minutes, scrubbing his skin red raw in an attempt to make himself feel clean. It didn't work.

Cas forced himself to step out from the comforting patter of water droplets, the feeling of them splashing onto his back steadily reminding Cas of the times when his life had been stable…when he was allowed to bathe without fear of being attacked in the shower.

When Cas stepped out of the shower cubicle he realized that he had no clean clothes to change into, but he couldn't walk back into the room in just a towel. Cas bobbed from foot to foot for a while, pondering his situation before deciding to pull on his old boxers and wrapping himself in two towels so that most of his body was covered. That was when there was a knock on the bathroom door. Cas' heart immediately froze as he assumed the worst.

I must have taken too long. I have done something wrong. I have been bad. Bad people need to be punished.

With his head hanging low Castiel opened the door and waited for the punches and kicks to come, but they didn't. Instead, he felt a steadying hand on his shoulder before he collapsed to the ground in a dead faint.

"Whoa…Cas? Cas? Shit!" Sam and Dean found themselves laying Castiel back onto Dean's bed and looked awkwardly towards the pile of clean clothes that Dean had been trying to deliver.

"What was that all about?"

"Dunno, think I frightened him or something…"

"Maybe." Sam glanced worriedly at the unconscious Castiel on the bed and ran a hand through his thick hair.

"We should dress him, and by we I mean you." Sam raised an indignant eyebrow and shook his head, hair flicking in all directions again.

"No way. He's bonded with you better anyway; he would want you to do it."

"Yeah, but you are the one who used to play dress up with dolls…girl!"

"Did not!"

"Whatever…you are doing it."

"Why!"

"Because I am oldest." As if that was the best argument ending ever, Dean swanned over to the fridge and pulled out a can of beer. With a resigned sigh Sam set about pulling some clean boxers and a top onto the boy, blushing slightly and thanking whoever or whatever was out there for the boy remaining asleep. He then pulled another bitch-face at Dean before grabbing a beer of his own and sipping it softly. Dean, who had practically inhaled his beer, slipped into the bathroom and clambered into the other bed, shuffling so that there was enough room for his brother. Sam joined him ten minutes later and soon fell asleep.

It was halfway into the night when Dean began to regret not just taking the floor, Sam's gigantor body took up three quarters of the bed and his little brother had a tendency to sprawl, a fact that Dean was reminded about when he felt Sam wrap an arm around Dean's shoulders.

"Hell no…" Dean shifted from his brother's grip and climbed out of bed, sitting down at the dining table and falling asleep with his head on his forearm. His back was going to be stiff as hell the next morning, but it was better than waking up in a full on brotherly embrace. That was in no way a manly or Winchesterly way to start of in the morning.

It wasn't just Dean who was having a bad night. Cas was thrashing wildly against his sheets, clammy with sweat and shuddering.

"ARE YOU DEFYING ME BOY?"

"N-no. I'm sorry. So sorry, please don't…" A hard blow caught Cas across the face, forceful enough to make black spots swim in front of his vision.

"Don't LIE to me. You know what happens to filthy little liars."

"Please don't. I won't do it again. I won't. I won't. I won't." Castiel curled in over himself and tried to crawl further into his cupboard, but was grabbed roughly by the arm and thrown against a wall. The pain ricocheting through his arm caused Cas to scream in pain and his legs gave way, leaving Cas on the ground, completely vulnerable to every kick his attacker laid upon his abdomen.

"SILENCE. If you make another sound I swear to god I will make you regret the day you were born. Do you understand me?" Cas bit his lip and nodded, the movement causing blood from his nose to flow into his mouth. Cas forced himself to remain quiet as more blows rained down on him, he promised himself that he would make his master happy from now on. He was tired of being punished. The metallic taste of blood made Cas gag, but he knew that being sick would just make matters worse. He would me punished for making a mess. Another blow to the head left Cas barely hanging onto consciousness, and one last kick caused him to black out.

With a loud cry of fright Cas woke up, his yell causing both Winchesters to hurry to his side. When they began to talk to him, all Castiel could make out was the gentle, reassuring tone-the words all seemed to be traveling through a tunnel and sounding like some sort of echo.

Please make them leave me alone. Please, please make them go.

Around five minutes later Cas' silent prayer was answered, Sam and Dean accepting that they were not getting anywhere and if anything, were just distressing him even more. They watched in silence as Castiel slowly uncurled from his tight ball and sat himself up a little straighter, reaching over to the bedside table and opening the draw, pulling out the complimentary Bible. Dean exchanged a silent, slightly unbelieving look with Sam as they watched Castiel flick through the pages until he was about two thirds of the way through. Then the boy began to read the page, only moving to occasionally turn the page. He was reading slowly, as if he were trying to memorize every single word. Each caress of the page was full of love and affection. Although Castiel was not smiling, his shoulders seemed less tense and his intense frown had lessened slightly. It was the closest to relaxed, and even happy, that the Winchesters had seen him so far.

Sam soon found himself dozing off again, but Dean was busy watching Castiel, who was still pouring over the complimentary Bible. Dean just couldn't see it, how could someone put so much trust into something, or someone who they had never seen? Where was the proof? How could people show such blind faith, let alone someone who had only seen neglect and abuse? How could Cas find the love and trust within himself to put faith into something or someone so unreachable?

Dean doubted he would ever fully understand and although he didn't want to admit it, part of himself wished that he had something to believe in, someone to pray to when times get hard. A metaphorical angel by his side to confide with and to rely on – on occasion, he had to admit that it would be nice.

When Castiel finally turned his bedside light off and placed the Bible underneath his pillow, Dean allowed himself to fall asleep. He felt a sort of brotherly protectiveness for this broken boy, who barely seemed to be clinging onto his emotions, everything was trapped behind some sort of wall, an emotional barrier that would eventually crumble. Dean really didn't know what he had gotten into, what sequence of events he had dived into, but he knew he would stand with Cas until the bitter end. Dean just hoped that he and Sam would be able to get Cas through whatever life, or God threw at them.

Life is a test after all…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't forget to let me know what you think, comments are love, comments are life <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for graphic child abuse, please don't read if this will trigger you in any way!
> 
> Thank you for your comments and support so far, they mean the world to me xxx

_Oh, you can hear me cry,_   
_See my dreams all die,_   
_From where you’re standing,_   
_On your own._

_It’s so quiet here,_   
_And I feel so cold,_   
_This house no longer feels like home._

It was three days later and there had been no progress on the Castiel front. The boy was still completely traumatised, jumping at every loud noise and screaming out in his sleep. He spent most of his time curled up in bed, pouring through the Bible as if searching for answers, hidden meanings between the lines which he had missed during the first four times he had read it from page to page.

Despite Sam and Dean's joint efforts, encouragement and reassurance, Cas only got out of bed to eat, or shower. Even when he ate, Castiel was on edge, poised as if he were about to take part in a 100m sprint. He avoided all eye contact, only eating a few mouthfuls when he thought the Winchesters weren't looking. It tore the brothers apart to see Castiel waste away in front of their eyes without being able to do anything about it, but what could they do?

Cas was now showering obsessively, locking himself into the motel bathroom for hours at a time at least twice a day, and for a few dreadful moments on their second day, Dean was convinced that the boy had drowned himself in there.

When Castiel eventually left the bathroom, having scrubbed his skin until it was beet-red, he would scoot around the Winchesters and bury himself back under his duvet cover. In Dean's eyes, the only breakthrough they had managed occurred when he asked Castiel to pass him the tomato sauce for his burger, and Cas responded by handing it over with hands shaking so violently that he dropped the knife in his other hand. At least it was a start.

On their fourth day together, Sam and Dean were growing frustrated. They had taken it in turns to visit the cottage, waiting for Castiel's abuser to turn up, but so far he had been a no-show. Luckily for him as Dean had sworn that he would personally rip the son of a bitch into tiny little pieces, and would then salt and burn the dick for good measure!

He and Sam were currently watching the crappy motel television, which was producing more static and blotchy pixels than the western movie that Dean was attempting to watch. Sam had his legs hanging from an armchair and was browsing the internet for cases, jobs that they would not be able to take on until they had sorted their current issues out. Dean was sprawled out on the three seater, trying to ignore the slightly mouldy smell that was emanating from the lack-luster piece of furniture. Judging by the stains, this poor sofa had not had a good life. Dean was concentrating more on picking at one of the loose threads than on the movie when he felt the seat beside him sink slightly.

He looked up, puzzled, wondering what Sam was doing when he saw Castiel with his chin resting on his knees. Although it looked as if the boy was watching the TV, Dean knew better. He knew that Cas was really watching him and waiting for an adverse reaction, any sign that he needed to retreat back to the safety of the shower or his bed.

Dean gave the boy no reason to move, only smiling encouragingly when Cas' shoulder seemed to ease up a bit, the tension slowly being released.

"Hey Cas. You alright?" It took a long time, but eventually Castiel gave an almost imperceptible nod of his head. Dean could have sworn that he also saw Cas' lip twitch upwards in an attempt of a smile as well.

"Feeling better?" Again there was another tiny nod, so Dean decided to quit whilst he was ahead, also pretending to watch the western, but inside he was doing a mini victory dance.

After the movie had ended, it looked as if Castiel was about to fall asleep, Sam and Dean had been supplying him with a steady stream of painkillers, which made Cas unbelievably drowsy. Dean would normally shun painkillers for alcohol, but in this case he did not believe booze was the best option. Exceptional circumstances and all that.

Dean almost let out an audible gasp when he felt the heat of Cas' body pressed against his side, it looked as if Castiel could no longer stay awake and trusted Dean enough to fall asleep beside him. Sam grinned at the sight, a fully relaxed Cas with his mouth slightly open next to an anxious looking Dean, who had tensed in fear of disturbing the sleeping boy. It was quite the role reversal!

Sam retrieved the duvet from Cas' bed and draped it over his brother and the boy, smirking when Dean gave him a panicked this-is-too-chick-flick-what-do-I-do look. He gave a non-committal shrug and made his way back to his seat, continuing his research and only pausing to take a picture of Dean, who had fallen asleep with Cas still pressed heavily against him. Sam was convinced that the photo would come in handy one day, a nice bit of leverage during an argument; Dean probably wouldn't want Bobby seeing him looking so god damned cute!

Hours later, when both hunter and broken boy stirred, there was an uncomfortable silence. Cas was staring wide eyed into Dean's deep green pools, wondering whether he had done something wrong, if he would be punished for falling asleep on the older man like that. When Dean made no move to hit him, Cas shifted into a more comfortable position, no longer pressed up against Dean.

Both Winchesters could see that Cas was bleary eyed and still not completely with it, so Sam decided that he would make a move. He went over to the sofa and sat down on Cas' other side, being careful not to brush against the boy and startle him.

"Castiel, um, we really need to know who did this to you. We have been back to the cottage a few times but there was no-one there. If you just tell us then we can sort everything out. You will be safe, you'll never have to worry about who did this to you again. Y'know, live a normal life and all that. I'm sure we can find you somewhere else to live. Please just tell us who hurt you."

Castiel blinked up at Sam and gave the slightest shake of his head.

_I can't. I can't. He'll kill me!_

Dean could tell what Sam was trying to do, so added his own reasoning to the mix.

"C'mon Cas. If you tell us we can help."

Castiel gave his head a sharper shake and looked as if he were about to make a dash for the bathroom, but Sam placed a firm, but unthreatening hand on his leg and carefully nudged Cas back down. The boy had gone a sickly shade of green and looked as if he were about to pass out, but Sam and Dean did not let him go, Dean now adding a slight bit of pressure to the boy's other leg.

_A tall man was stumbling towards Cas, beer bottle in one hand, the other holding onto the wall in order to keep upright. His short dirty blonde hair was dank and hanging over his eyes, soaked through with rain. Castiel could tell that this would be a bad night._

_"Where are you boy?" Cas didn't want to answer, but there was no point in delaying the inevitable so he carefully crawled out from his hiding place between the sofa and bookcase, being careful to slip his Bible under the sofa and swiftly thinking a short prayer for that night to end quickly._

_His prayer was not answered._

_Half an hour into the beating and Cas was barely conscious. He kept his gaze focused on the floor, trying to distract himself but counting the knots in the wooden panels, but it wasn't really working. He found himself reciting the Bible in his head, anything to distract himself from the searing pain._

_He wanted nothing more than to scream and beg for the pain to end, but he remembered Lucifer's last threat._

_"SILENCE. If you make another sound I swear to god I will make you regret the day you were born. Do you understand me?"_

_It was not worth making a noise; Cas would remain silent no matter what. There was no point in digging himself into a deeper hole._

_Once again his mind wondered, anywhere but the cottage._

_Cas was flying, a raven, ink black against the light blue sky. His feathers were ruffled slightly but Cas didn't mind, the wind made him feel alive, allowed him to glide for miles and keep watch on the humans beneath him. He was a silent observer, diving down on occasion to offer the comfort of company. He would perch on an old ladies fence and tilt his head, opening his beak in the hint of a smile as she took her last breath, ensuring that she did not die alone. She barely registered his smile, but his feathered wings convinced her that this raven was her guardian angel. He would be there for her, granting her safe passage to beyond._

_Cas then watched from a tree as a young couple began to kiss under a tree, something told him that the relationship would soon end, but for now the beautiful romance filled him with joy that made his feathers rustle. He took of with the wind after a while, he didn't feel the need to witness any heartbreak. In this body, he lived for the moment and could go wherever he wished._

_He then flew to the beach and watched a tiny grey fish making its way to the shoreline, and wondered where its journey would lead. All Castiel cared about was the fact that his wings allowed him to go wherever he wanted._

_He could escape anything._

_He was free._

_Then, with the smash of a foot against Castiel's lower back, the boy was bought back from his fantasy. His wings had disappeared and a hard blow to his stomach knocked the breath out of him, making it feel as if Castiel had fallen from the heavens themselves, and landed on concrete._

_He stared up at his half brother with pleading eyes._

_Don't do this. Please don't do this. It wasn't my fault. What Dad did was not my fault…_

_With another fit of rage Lucifer bought his fist towards Cas' face, ignoring the tears that were streaming down his half brother's cheeks. There was a satisfying crunch of bone and Cas slumped to the ground, curling up attempting to shield his face from further harm, he was certain that his nose was already badly broken._

_Castiel couldn't help but scream when he was pulled up by his dislocated arm, each cry ricocheting around the cottage. For a fleeting moment Cas was glad, maybe one of the neighbors would hear his cries and rescue him? This reassuring thought quickly ended however, he had spent weeks screaming himself hoarse and no one had come. Nobody had answered his prayers. Why should anything else happen this time?_

_Then everything went black, the last thing Cas heard was the smashing of the beer bottle being shattered on the side of his head, and then everything was blinding white pain._

_Sam and Dean watched in horror as Castiel, who had become stiff and rigid as a board seconds before, crumpled to the ground and let out a gasping scream. The Winchesters had stared bewildered when Cas first began fitting, not seeming to notice their comforting words, and they were even more startled by the change in events. Somehow a screaming Cas seemed to be a whole lot worse than a rigid one, although at least he was finally making a sound._

_Cas whimpered as a few more flashes of his life flickered through his mind._

_Castiel woke up with a pounding headache, his mouth was full of blood and every part of his body was screaming in protestation about their recent abuse. He had been shoved back in his cupboard and couldn't move. His wrists and ankles were tied and he wouldn't have been able to stretch out if he had wanted to. He knew that if he did manage to get out of these chains, he would still be unable to get out. The cupboard door was padlocked from the outside._

_I have really done it this time. He is going to kill me!_

_When Cas heard a creaking noise outside he held his breath and waited, but nothing happened. Part of him felt as if there were two voices, but he could not make them out clearly. With a small whimper Castiel drifted back into unconsciousness, only to be re-awoken when he heard louder footsteps outside his door. Cas had no idea what possessed him to do it, but he found himself knocking his head against the wall, his head being the only part of his body that he could currently move. The pain made him gag, but something told Cas that it wasn't Lucifer outside._

_The voices became slightly louder and Cas banged his head again, hissing slightly._

_"Dean! Tell me you heard that?"_

_"Yeah, where is the fugly?"_

_"I don't know. I can't see anything at the moment."_

_Cas closed his eyes and began to pray silently. Please find me. Please let them get me out of here. Please…_

_"HOLY SHIT." Cas flinched when the cupboard door was flung open to reveal a man in a leather jacket and he flinched back suddenly terrified that these men did not have good intentions for him either._

_"It's ok now. We are not going to hurt you. I am Dean, this is my brother Sammy."_

With a gasp Cas came back to reality, sobbing hard and feeling Sam wrapping muscled arms around his torso. Castiel allowed himself to be drawn into the hug, whimpering and crying hard, soaking Sam's shirt through and wrapping his own arms around the hunter. His hands found Sam's long hair and Castiel allowed himself to bury his face in Sam's neck, breathing in the musky scent of his skin, mixed in with the sickly sweet scent of motel shampoo. Dean also began to comfort the boy, taking it as a good sign that he was allowing Sammy close enough for a hug without resistance. He cautiously began to rub circles on Castiel's back and began to mumble nonsensical words of comfort that meant nothing. No it was not ok. Everything was not alright. Castiel was still not safe. He wouldn't be until the son of a bitch who did this to him was killed, or at least locked up for good. But at least it seemed to be calming him down a bit.

Cas turned slightly and wrapped his arms around Dean now, needing to know that both Winchesters were there for him. He felt Dean's reassuring arms wrap around his waist and allowed himself to completely slump against the eldest of his saviors. Sam and Dean had rescued him in the end. His prayers had finally been answered. Maybe, just maybe, they would be able to stop Lucifer from hurting him again.

It just wasn't fair. It wasn't his fault that their Dad had left them that night. Yes, it had been Cas who was with him last, but he hadn't misbehaved, and yes, Mum had been out because of him, but it still wasn't his fault. Was it?

He had been just thirteen at the time, his father was sitting next to him, watching as Castiel did his art homework, the task had been to draw something or someone that you loved, so Cas chose his Father. It was all going well, but he couldn't quite capture the half smile that lay upon his Dad's face. His Dad's smile always seemed so bright, yet there was a certain sorrow. The sorrow of someone who had been exposed to too much death and pain over the years.

That had been when the phone rung. In an instant his had had moved, the pose ruined and the last thing Cas had heard was the slamming of the front door. Castiel sat quietly for a while, wondering what had happened and was only interrupted when his half-brother came in.

"Where's Dad, Cas?"

"I don't know? He got a call and then disappeared." Cas forced his voice to remain steady, but he was scared. Dad never left them unless something bad had happened. Seventeen year old Lucifer saw that his younger brother was upset, so picked him up and gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the forehead.

"Don't worry, he will be back soon. So will mum, they will probably come back together or something."

But they didn't come back. Both Lucifer and Cas had fallen asleep on the sofa, Cas tucked safely in his older brother's arms. That was when there was a harsh rap at the door. It wasn't the usual code that their parents used, but Lucifer got up and went to the door, peering through the peep-hole with Cas hovering just behind him, arms wrapped around Lucifer's leg. It was really late and something told Cas that he didn't want to meet the person behind this door. But Lucifer opened it.

"Hello? Are you boys Castiel and Lucifer?"

"Who are you?"

"My name is Karen, I'm from social services, there is no easy way of saying this, but I’m afraid that your parents have passed away."

"What? No they haven't." Lucifer was the first to speak, Castiel too numb with shock to respond in any way other than blinking slowly.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, but your mother was in a car accident and was taken to hospital. Your father came to see her, but it was too late. There was nothing the hospital could do for her. I'm so sorry."

"But Dad?" The social worker glanced at Cas, he seemed too young to know. It was clear that he was already in shock; she didn't want to upset him further. She waved for her colleague Mandy to come in from their car and nodded towards Cas. Mandy took the hint and gently led Castiel away into the kitchen with a soft smile, heating him a cup of milk and handing him the chocolate buttons on the table. It might help to calm him down a bit.

Meantime, Lucifer had blanched and was propping himself against the landing wall. Dad wasn't dead. He couldn't be. Their father was strong; he would never have deliberately killed himself. Never. He wouldn't have left him and Cas alone.

But he had.

Less than an hour later Cas and Lucifer's possessions had been packed up and they were in the car. Without any relatives left alive, they had to go to a care home.

Lucifer felt sick, but not as sick as Cas, who had just vomited up all of the chocolate buttons and milk, as well as the burger he had eaten for dinner. Lucifer had gently helped him out of the car and wiped the sick off of Cas' clothes, not allowing Mandy or Karen near to his baby brother. Cas was upset enough without weird strangers poking and prodding him.

It had been Lucifer who said what had happened to Dad, but he had missed out the part of it being deliberate, blaming his death on another accidental crash. Cas, being Cas, naïve and innocent believed him and for that Lucifer was grateful. There were some things that his brother did not need to know.

Things at the home did not go well, they kept trying to split the brothers up, and the one time they locked Cas in his own bedroom, the poor boy had spent the entire night screaming until he had a panic attack, eventually collapsing with a mixture of stress and exhaustion. From then on the staff had left the brothers to it, what harm could letting them spend time together do?

But it wasn't until a few months later that things went really bad. Lucifer had spent a lot of time brooding about what had happened, and one night, when Cas was obsessively pouring over the drawing of his Dad, rubbing out the twentieth attempt of the mouth. Lucifer was reminded of that night, the night that neither brother spoke about. It suddenly hit him.

It was Cas' fault. Everything was Cas' fault.

Mum had gone out to buy Cas some new colouring pencils for his birthday when she had been hit by a car. If it hadn't been Cas' birthday, then she would not have gone out. And if she hadn't gone out, she would not have died. And if Mum didn't die, then Dad would not have killed himself. Lucifer found himself wishing that Cas had never been born, because then he would not have had a birthday and everything would have been fine. It took a while for Lucifer to quash these thoughts; although that night he locked his bedroom door and wouldn't let a sobbing, confused Cas in.

Castiel had no idea what he had done wrong, but Lucifer was angry with him.

The next morning Lucifer acted as if nothing had happened. And the day after. And the day after that. On the surface he was the same loving brother as before, but he wasn't, inside Lucifer was brooding about all the ways he would make Cas pay for what he had done.

A week after Lucifer's eighteenth birthday, with Cas now 14, he ran away, dragging his brother with him. Lucifer could now access his bank account, the house had been sold and he had access to enough to keep them both going. The brothers had walked for miles, hitchhiking on occasion until they had crossed three states. Social services had never been far from their tail, but the brothers managed to give the authorities the slip. It was easy really, just move at night to avoid their patrol cars.

Then, in the middle of a wood, Lucifer found an old, abandoned cottage, which became home. That was the day he had hauled his brother over the cottage's threshold for the first time, and was the night that he had subjected Cas to the worst beating of his life. It wasn't so much the pain, Lucifer did not have many muscles at that point and did not know how to hit properly, but it was how unexpected the blows were.

Cas’ screams and cries could be heard clearly from the local village, but no one came to help.

Cas couldn't understand it, why was his brother hurting him like this? He had begged for hours for it to stop, sobbing bitterly when his brother eventually left the room, letting go of Cas and allowing his brother's aching body to fall to the floor. Castiel spent the rest of the night curled up in a ball on the floor whimpering and dry heaving, struggling to breathe through his racking sobs. The next day Cas woke up frozen, his lips blue and body trembling from cold. It was snowing outside and the cottage had no central heating, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Instead, he unpacked his bag and found his Bible, reading it for some semblance of comfort.

This pattern had continued for years, until that fateful night when Lucifer, now twenty-three had left a nineteen year old Cas curled up in his cupboard. The night that he had been rescued.

Once again Cas came out of his thoughts and felt himself being hugged close, he looked around and saw that someone had carried him to bed. The duvet had been wrapped tightly around his body and on either side of him sat Sam and Dean, patiently talking to him soothingly and stroking his sweaty hair.

"S'alright. It's over, you aren't there any more. We just need you to tell us who did this to you." Dean smiled at Cas and waited patiently, freezing when Cas opened his mouth.

"Lu…" Cas' voice was rough and hoarse from misuse, but Sam and Dean just gave him reassuring nods, squeezing his hand tighter for comfort.

"B-br-other. Luc-ifer." Cas' voice broke multiple times and his face screwed up as he began to cry harder than ever. He had spoken. He had gone against orders. Lucifer would surely kill him now.

"Well done Cas, well done. You did it. You are ok now, we can sort this." Sam lifted Cas into a sitting position and rested them both against the headboard, stroking Castiel's back until the sobbing was replaced with low moans and whimpers. It tore the brothers to see the boy like this, but they now knew part of what happened. Dean just couldn't comprehend it. His brother had done this? How could anyone do this to another human, let alone a member of their family? The idea of hurting Sammy, causing him an ounce of pain made Dean shudder. He was going to kill the son of a bitch who did this. It was Lucifer who would regret the day he was ever born.

With a sigh Dean realised that it was too late to head over to the cottage, besides, they could hardly leave Castiel in this state. He was a wreck. The elder Winchester laid himself down and allowed Cas to snuggle into his chest, Sammy doing the same until all three men were asleep. Of course, this did not last, with Sammy being so huge and managing to fall out of bed.

However, Dean and Cas remained next to each other the whole night. When he first woke up at three Dean was tempted to move, but seeing Cas' face, which was still blotchy with tears, he just didn't have the heart to pull away. Besides, Cas felt warm against him and the motel room was just so cold. It was definitely not because Dean was nervous about the next day. No, it was the busted air-con...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't forget to drop a line :D xxx


	4. Chapter 4

_Listen up, listen up,_   
_There's a devil in the church,_   
_Got a bullet in the chamber,_   
_And this is gonna hurt._   
_Let it out, let it out,_   
_You can scream and you can shout,_   
_Keep your secrets in the shadows and you'll be sorry._

It wasn't till late the next morning that Cas finally stirred, alone in his bed. He glanced around weakly and propped himself up, ignoring the familiar throbbing pain in his shoulder and nose, he was sure that Sam and Dean would provide him with more painkillers soon. Castiel rummaged under his pillow for the motel Bible and began to read it, turning the pages as quietly as possible so he would not draw any attention to himself. Cas knew that something bad was going to happen that day, he could sense it, a kind of tingling sensation which he would gain just before a beating. However, when he tried to get more comfortable, Cas knocked one of the dark bruises on his abdomen, causing him to let out a small gasp, which attracted concerned glances from both Winchesters.

"You alright Cas, you don't look so hot…" Castiel nodded slightly and pushed himself into a sitting position, before scurrying into the bathroom for a long shower. A very long shower. By the time he came out, steam billowed from the bathroom door and he looked ready to cry, or pass out. Neither option seemed particularly appealing so Sam quickly went over to the boy and handed him a glass of water and some tablets.

"Drink up, then we really need to talk." Cas took the pills and gulped them down gratefully, allowing Sam to guide him over to the sofa. Dean, who had been cleaning out his favorite pistol, glanced up and smiled at Castiel, who was now sitting rigidly on the sofa next to Sam.

"Mornin' Cas. I guess you already know this but we really need to sort this Lucifer jerk out." Cas flinched at his brother's name being spoken, but other than that made no signs that he had taken in what Dean said.

_You can't go. He will kill you! And then he will kill me, and then we're all dead!_

"We know you're scared…" Sam tried to interrupt and make his brother's speech less harsh, considering the fact that Castiel was already shaking like a leaf, but Dean had gone into business-hunter mode, carrying on regardless. He could mop up the mess later, now they needed to sort out the jackass who did this to Cas, and kick his ass into next week.

"But, we need to talk. Me and Sammy are going to head down to the cottage today, and sort out this Lucifer jerk. We need you to stay here, will you be alright on your own for a few hours?" Castiel shook his head quickly and opened his mouth to protest. _They can't go on their own, he will kill them and it will be all my fault._

"We have to go Cas, we wont be long."

"No." Cas finally found his voice and regained control of his legs, so hurried over to the motel door, blocking the way out.

"What do you mean no? You will be fine, you are safe here."

"You c-can't go."

"Why not?"

"He will kill you!"

"Not if we kill him first." Castiel flinched at that, he didn't want his brother to die, no matter what he had done. Lucifer was the only family Cas had left and despite everything he still loved his brother to pieces. He had managed to delude himself into thinking that this was a phase, a long phase, and that his relationship with his brother might improve if he was good.

"Please don't go. You are my f-friends. I don't want you to get hurt because of me. I can't have anyone else die for me, I just can't. I won't let your deaths be on my shoulders as well. I won't. I won't let you go! Please?" The words came tumbling out of Cas' mouth before he could stop them, and the boy blanched when he realized that he had spoken out of turn, a lot. He began to fiddle anxiously with one of the buttons on the beige trench coat Sam had bought for him to wear. It wasn't the most fashionable garment ever but Cas loved it, he hadn't been given new clothes to wear since he and Lucifer had run away from the care home, spending his time in clothes that were handed down from Lucifer or that were far too small for him.

Dean and Sam exchanged glances after Cas' outburst, the eruption of emotions was so unlike the silent and brooding Cas they were used to. Also, what did Cas mean by 'as well,' surely that implied that he had caused someone else to die? Questions spun around the Winchester's heads but they decided not to pick Cas up on it, he was already in distress and the last thing he needed was a cross-examination.

"We'll be fine Cas, we hunt monsters like your brother who hurt people, he really won't be able to harm us." Well, it was a half-truth, they did hunt monsters, and surely an abusive brother was just as much of a monster as a vampire or Wendigo, if not worse!

"I'm coming with you then!"

"No way, it is too dangerous!" Cas scowled back at Dean and shifted closer to the door, making it clear that if the Winchesters wanted to leave, they would have to forcibly remove him from the exit. Something that neither brother was willing to do, the last thing they needed was to frighten or scare Castiel and make him run away, where else would he go?

"Fine, but you are staying in the Impala." Sam could see that they were getting nowhere and came up with a compromise that both Dean and Cas accepted, although Cas had no real intention of staying in the car. There was no way he was leaving the only friends he had to face his brother alone.

The drive back to the cottage was silent, Sam and Dean in the front whilst Cas sat rigid in the back. Although he was no longer shaking, the way his shoulders and jaw were set made it clear to the Winchesters how terrified Cas was. Their friend was staring blankly out of the window, no emotions showing upon his face; even his deep blue eyes were expressionless and devoid of any emotion. It was almost as if he had switched off. It broke the Winchester's hearts to see how much Cas had regressed during the short journey, but they hoped he would snap out of it and go back to normal once they sorted Lucifer out and returned to the motel.

A painfully long five minutes later, Dean was pulling up into the driveway. He glanced up at Sam as he stopped the Impala, giving her a quick pat on the dashboard and mumbling, "back soon baby," before swinging his legs out of the car. Sam quickly followed and both Winchesters began to collect their weapons from the boot, two knives, a couple of guns and some spare bullets, just in case. They were just about to head off, when the slamming of the trunk was far too loud. Both brothers looked up in confusion to see that Castiel had climbed out of the car, and had slammed his door simultaneously with them, creating a cacophony of sound.

"Uh, Cas, you need to stay here. You'll be safer in the car."

"Yeah, someone needs to keep my Baby safe for me." Cas shook his head, finding himself wondering how Dean was so attached to his car. It was just metal and yet the love that Dean poured into the engine, more so than petrol, was strange to Cas. Cas wondered bleakly whether all those years having the shit beaten out of him had damaged him in some way, he’d never loved anything like that.

_Maybe there is something wrong with me? Why can't I feel such strong love like they do? I wish that they loved me half as much as they love each other, and that I could return that love properly. Maybe when all of this is over I could leave with them, like a new family?_

Cas realized that he had completely blacked out for a few minutes, not taking in what Sam and Dean were telling him.

"….so yeah, it would be too dangerous. Are you alright? Did you hear me?" Sam looked concernedly at Cas, who was scowling even more than usual. In any other situation Dean would have laughed at the look of concentration on the boy's face, making him look as if someone had stuck something up the kids ass, but this situation was not funny at all, and Dean knew that this blank looking Cas was far more vulnerable than a crying one.

"Yes, I mean, no…I. I'm coming with you."

"No." Both Winchesters immediately shot down that response, but before they could even think about manhandling Cas into the car, the latter had already sped towards the door of the cottage, away from the safety of the Impala. He stood in front of the cottage door and hunched his shoulders, a steely gaze informing the Winchesters that they were fighting a loosing battle. It looked as if Cas was coming in with them, if they wanted him to or not.

"Fine, but you keep out of trouble, understand?"

"I understand." Cas bit his lip and watched as Dean moved around him, entering the cottage and giving the rooms a quick sweep with his gun poised, before beckoning for Sam and Cas to enter. Sam took the rear, pointing his own gun out towards the driveway in case Lucifer turned up behind them, but he didn't.

Sam and Dean weren't prepared for this eventuality, they had hoped to just storm in, shoot the dick and leave. It now looked as if they were going to have to hang around. Castiel seemed to relax a little and strode into the living room, where he crawled between the bookcase and a sofa. Dean and Sam thought for a moment that Cas was having another panic attack, or had just completely lost it, but sighed with relief when Cas backed out again, holding a rather battered looking Bible. The book was practically falling apart, a few pages were hanging out and fluttering around. The pages themselves were torn and yellowing. The book looked as if it would fit in perfectly on one of Bobby's bookshelves, alongside the books full of ancient runes and the diaries of past hunters. It was clear however, that despite the Bible's appearance, Cas loved it. The Winchesters watched as Castiel began thumbing through the familiar pages and sank down onto the sofa. Normally, he was only allowed in the lounge if he was good and Lucifer was in a good mood, so he reveled in the freedom to sit on the dusty, falling apart couch. It wasn't much, but it was here, on this sofa that Cas had felt as close to 'at home,' as possible during his stay at the cottage.

Dean couldn't help but think that this was probably one of the worst times in human history to start reading the Bible. They were on a hunt for God's sake.

"C'mon Cas, you have got to be kidding me?! We need a strategy, and you need to hide somewhere so Lucifer can't beat the crap out of you again! Castiel flinched slightly before replying in a curt voice, which was almost aggressive and far lower than usual.

"I am not kidding you." Cas clearly hadn't picked up on the rhetorical element of Dean's exasperated question and turned away, staring at the Bible in his now shaking hands.

"Look, I was just saying. I didn't mean to…c'mon, chill. We're friends, ok."

"I'm sorry Dean, my people skills are rusty. Pardon me but I have spent the past few years being beaten up and locked in a cupboard. It kind of messes with your emotions after a while." Cas' voice was so cold that Dean flinched back, there was no trace of trust or friendship left in Cas' eyes and it looked as if Castiel had completely shut down, again.

"Well done Dean, I think you hurt his feelings." Sam gave his older brother one of the bitchiest bitch faces in history, which was saying something, before sitting down on the sofa next to Cas, the seat creaking loudly in protest and emanating a huge puff of dirt into the air.

"Cas, it's alright. Dean's just a bit worked up, don't listen to him." Sam carefully wrapped an arm around Castiel's shoulders and flinched slightly at how prominent Cas' shoulder bones were. Despite their best efforts, Cas still only picked at his food even though he was clearly hungry. It was almost as if he was punishing himself, denying his body any pleasure or relief. Cas flinched away from the contact, briefly considering making a run for it, but forced himself to calm down. Sam meant him no harm. Cas slid back fully into the sofa and shifted so that there was less pressure on his arm, before resting his head weakly on Sam's chest and continuing to read.

Dean felt slightly guilty, but forced himself to remain focused. They were on a hunt, like any other and needed to keep their emotions out of it. He stationed himself by the door and kept an eye on the hall, waiting for ten minutes before he heard a car pulling up the drive.

"He's here. Cas, get back." Castiel had jumped to his feet at the sound and had poised himself ready to lash out. He was damned if he was going to let his brother walk all over him again. No, this time he was going to be strong. Even if his Mum's death was his fault, he was sure that his Dad would not want him to be treated like this. Despite what people often thought about his father in the business world, he had been fair and just, even if he had been harsh at times and been made to make hard decisions. He was not a bad person, and nor was Cas. Well, that is what Cas was trying to tell himself in an attempt to qualm the panic that was rising up inside him. _Get a grip Cas, fight back. Don't let him walk all over you. Just talk to him, Lucifer loves me really. He's family; this is just a big misunderstanding._ Cas set his jaw and tensed his shoulders, refusing to back away as Dean had instructed. He was determined to put an end to this once and for all.

Dean and Sam cocked their guns and watched as a tall blonde man wearing a pale grey T-shirt entered the cottage.

"Why helloooo boys. I take it you are boys considering the choice of car. A Chevvy, nice. Anyway, are you the special Castiel delivery services? I have spent quite a while looking for him." Lucifer's voice was full of irony, yet there was a cold, harsh note behind his joking words. He took a few steps into the lounge and smirked at Sam and Dean, who were both pointing their guns straight at him.

"Boys, boys, boys. You've done well for yourself, Cassie, got yourself some chiseled hunks. I'm impressed, although I have no idea how you won them over.” Castiel, who had taken a couple of steps towards his brother, took a step back. He could feel his limbs locking in position as his brother advanced. _What was I thinking? I can't stand up to him! I can't fight my brother!_

"Anyway little brother, long time no spooning. Why don't you tell your little friends to leave us alone, we can sort this out between us, can't we?"

"You son of a bitch!" Dean had finally had enough, the terror that had replaced the blank look in Cas' eyes had caused something to snap, and rage poured out of Dean as he cocked his gun.

"What did you call me?"

"I called you a son of…" Dean was cut off when Lucifer lunged at him, knocking Dean to the ground with the full force of his body weight. Cas froze for a moment, unable to move. _This is my fault. My fault. My fault._

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that." Dean struggled wildly, but was only released when Sam kicked Lucifer hard in the abdomen and placed the butt of his gun to Lucifer's head.

"Let him up. Now." Sam's voice was so cold that even Dean did a double take, but he took his opportunity to spring up as Lucifer had relaxed his grip slightly whilst distracted. He was about to grab Cas and haul the boy away somewhere, but Lucifer however, had other ideas. He to managed to jump to his feet, and whilst Sam was checking Dean was ok, he made his way over to Cas and pulled his younger brother into a tight embrace.

"It's alright Cassie. Things can be different now. How about that? We can go back to how things were before; you'd like that, huh? Just tell these friends of yours to leave us in peace. We can move, go someplace nice and start over. I'll take care of you." Castiel hunched up and squirmed as Lucifer squeezed his shoulder, but did not try to get away. There was a chance that Lucifer was telling the truth, he had been so happy before, it would be great if they could go back to where they were before their parents had died, proper brothers. He still didn't quite understand why Lucifer had snapped, but maybe he could make amends and show Lucifer that he still loved him.

"What do you say Cas. You and me up against the world." Cas gave a small nod and rested his forehead against his brother's chest, relaxing slightly into the hug.

"Don't you listen to him Cas! This is the jerk that used to beat you up. He's lying to you, can't you see that? C'mon. CAS!" Dean took a few more steps forward but Lucifer shot him a menacing look and pulled a knife out of his back pocket, although Cas, who had his face buried in Lucifer's shirt did not notice. The steely look in Lucifer's eyes made it clear that if either Winchester made a move, he would stab Castiel, literally and metaphorically in the back.

"Ok, ok. Let's just calm down." Sam placed his arms in the air and placed his gun on the floor, along with his knife, motioning for Dean to do the same. Lucifer gave an almost imperceptible nod and motioned for the Winchesters to sit down.

"Now, I have had enough of your fun and games. I don't know who you are, or what you want with my little brother, but I am telling you to leave now. We will be fine, wont we Cas?" Castiel nodded, he hadn't failed to notice the Winchesters put their weapons down and suspected that he had missed something. Lucifer must have sent them some kind of silent threat. Suddenly it became clear that things weren't going to change. Lucifer was still going to hurt him.

_How was I so foolish, I trusted him?_

Cas felt sick at he thought that he was currently being hugged by the man that was threatening him and his friends, so squirmed out of his grasp, shooting Sam and Dean a pleading look for help.

"Y-yes Lucifer. We'll be f-fine." Cas stumbled over his words and silently prayed that the Winchesters would help him sooner rather than later. That was when he saw the knife in his brother's hand.

"Good. Now, I think it is time for us to leave, don't you?" Cas was roughly pulled to his feet by his older brother, his legs almost giving out as he felt the sharp metal blade of the serrated knife being pressed against his throat. He couldn't collapse now, that would result in him slitting his own throat.

"Lucifer, just let the boy go. Please." Sam stared in horror as Lucifer pressed the knife deeper into their friend's throat, Cas letting out a sharp gasp as the blade made a deep cut that sent rivulets of blood cascading down his neck. Although the pain was intense, Cas thanked the stars that he could still breathe. At least Lucifer hadn't cut through his windpipe yet.

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Me and Cassie here have some unfinished business to attend to." Lucifer was now halfway out of the door with his gasping brother when Dean made a move. He couldn't let Lucifer take Cas away, he just couldn't. Years of training as a hunter meant that Dean was able to send a shot at Lucifer, which skimmed his thigh. Dean was a good shot, but with Castiel being used as a human shield he hadn't wanted to aim for the head or chest. That would have been to risky, but seeing what Dean was about to do Lucifer had moved so the bullet caused nothing more than a deep scratch, allowing Lucifer to plunge the blade into Cas' side and draw out his own gun.

"I warned you." Lucifer staggered at the pain in his leg, but he now had the upper hand. His own gun was pointing straight at Sam's chest, and Lucifer knew that Dean would not move if his partner, brother or whatever was in danger.

Lucifer bent down and hauled Cas up by his bad arm, watching in satisfaction as his baby brother doubled up in pain clutching at his abdomen. The Winchesters could see that Cas was already loosing a load of blood. There was a small pool forming on the floor and the previously beige trench coat that he had been wearing was covered in deep crimson patches.

"Cas? Cas! Can you hear me?" Dean called out to the boy, who was leaning heavily against Lucifer and was still barely standing. "Let him go you sick fuck!" Lucifer just laughed at this, and with one last gunshot he left the room with a now unconscious Cas in his arms.

"Sam! SAMMY?" Dean glanced over at Cas in despair before throwing himself down to the floor next to his brother, who had rolled onto his side and was panting heavily.

"D-Dean. Just s-shoulder. Cas…you need to get Cas." Sam removed his hands from his shoulder to reveal that Lucifer had changed his target, the wound was meant as a distraction rather than to kill, and it had done its job. Dean stood up and ran from his brother, but Lucifer's car had already disappeared out of sight, and when he reached the Impala he saw that his baby's wheels had been slashed.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean resignedly headed back into the cottage, there was no way that he could catch up with Lucifer and Cas by foot and he had to priorities. His brother was bleeding and that seemed like a good place to start.

When he entered the lounge Sam was staggering to the sofa, where he sat down heavily.

"You need to f-follow them!"

"Can't. The dick slashed my wheels; he is going to pay for that with screams! I just hope Cas is alright, god I feel awful, but I had to check you were ok and then he was already gone with Cas. Shit…" Sam nodded weakly, considering the implications of this turn of events. How had they let Cas and Lucifer get away? What was Lucifer going to be able to do in the time they were separated?

"Yeah, shit definitely sums it up."

"We need to get you back to the motel and pick up another car. Why is nothing ever easy for us? Look's like Cas' big man upstairs has it in for us, for all we know he is probably sitting on some cloud drinking booze out of a coconut and laughing at the show! This is just peachy."

With a sigh Dean bandaged up Sam's shoulder and helped his brother outside, both brothers making their way slowly back to the motel where they could work on tracking Cas down, hopefully before it was too late...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some #drama, haha! Thank you for reading :D

_How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?_   
_When all I ever wanted to be was you?_   
_How could you, how could you, how could you love me?_   
_When all you ever gave me were open wounds?_

_Downstairs the enemy sleeps,_   
_Leaving the TV on,_   
_Watching all the dreams we had turn into static…_

Sam and Dean were sitting at the motel table miserably, Dean staring into an empty beer bottle whilst Sam was frantically typing on his laptop, trying to ignore the pain in his shoulder. Dean had already removed the bullet and stitched up the deep gash after his temporary patch up job at the cottage, and Sam had downed a fair few shots of whiskey, but the residual burning sensation was being incredibly persistent.

"Have you found anything?"

"Not really. The only thing in the direction they took off in is a roadside café, a motel and an old playground."

"I guess the motel would be our best bet then." Dean got to his feet quickly and grabbed his duffel, ready for action and determined to find Cas before the situation got any worse, if that was even possible.

"How would they have been able to check into a motel in that state? Surely the receptionist would notice the blood and the fact that one of their customers was unconscious and had been stabbed."

"I don't know Sammy, but we have turned up at plenty of motels in a bad state and have never had any trouble, maybe they were just able to wing it. Look, it's the best option we have right now and I am not prepared to sit here twiddling my thumbs whilst Cas is bleeding out and more likely than not, having the shit beaten out of him."

"I don't like this any more than you do Dean, I just think that we should come up with a plan or something…"

"When have our plans ever worked Sammy? If we leave it any longer we might as well go to bed and buy some white roses for Cas' grave in the morning. I am not going to sit here and let him die, which is what will happen if we don't leave now. We're leaving." With that, Dean strode over to the motel door and pushed his way out into the corridor, leaving Sam with no choice but to follow.

"Ok, ok. Wait up Dean, I was shot a couple of hours ago you know, or did that escape your attention." Dean glared at his brother momentarily before allowing his expression to relax.

"Sorry Sam, I'm just worried about the kid."

"Me to." It wasn't long before Dean was hotwiring some beaten up old truck, with Sam keeping an eye out for anyone watching them.

_That dick is going to pay for hurting my baby; I don't believe I am being forced to drive this tin can…bloody pile of scrap-metal crap on wheels!_

When Dean was done, Sam climbed into the passenger's seat and stared out of the window until they reached the cottage, where he shuddered and began giving Dean instructions on how to get to the motel where they guessed, and hoped that Cas was being held hostage in.

"Left. Left again. Right….DEAN! Slow down, we will be of no use to Cas if we die in a car accident because you were driving too fast"

"Yeah, and we'll be no use to Cas if he has already bled out." Sam flinched and bit back a retort, continuing to call out directions and letting out a small sigh of relief when a luminous, lit up sign announced that they had reached their destination. It had taken the brothers just over fifty minutes to travel an hour and a half's worth of road. _I think that drive just took ten years off my life. God, I hope Cas is alright. Please let him be alive._

The brothers walked through the motel entrance with matching grins, hiding their guns beneath perfect Winchester-smiles and a leather jacket, or in Sam's case his favorite gray hoodie.

"Hello, how can I help ya?" The receptionist, who was doodling on a notepad and chewing on some gum barely looked up as the brothers walked in, which was probably a good thing.

"Hi, we'd like to book a room for the night."

"Just the one?"

"Yeah."

"Twin or double?"

"Twin." Dean answered on automatic pilot before realizing that it really didn't matter what sort of room they ordered, it wasn't as if they were planning on spending the night in this place, even if it was less of a dump than their current motel.

"All rightie… One twin room it is, number 14…Here are your keys, have a nice stay." The receptionist dropped her bored tone and resumed her doodling for a moment before Sam interrupted her.

"I don't suppose you can tell us whether a tall blonde man checked in a while ago, grey eyes, wearing a grey T-shirt."

"So what if he did?" The woman finally focused on the Winchesters, suspicious.

"He's an old friend of ours, we're meeting up for a work reunion and wanted to pop in and see if he was up for a few beers tonight."

"Oh, ok, second floor, Room 37."

"Thanks love." Dean quickly ushered Sam away before the woman saw their guns and allowed himself a small grin.

"Surely there are customer confidentiality rules or something?" Sam couldn't quite believe their luck, because since when did things ever work out as well as that? Usually within the first ten minutes of a hunt one of them had been thrown into a wall, something had fallen over, someone had been pushed downstairs and someone or something had been shot, or a combination of the above had occurred, often at once. It was obvious to Sam that their luck was not going to hold out.

"Don't question it, as far as I'm concerned this is a gift horse, and I'm not going looking for teeth. I'm sending that dumb chick a damn fruit basket!"

"I guess." Far too soon the Winchesters found themselves outside room 37, and they exchanged looks.

"Do you think we should…" Sam was cut off by Dean picking one of his many credit cards out of his pocket and beginning to fiddle with the gap between the door and the wall until with a small creak of protest the door opened.

"Too easy. Anyway, you find Cas and get him the hell out of here, I'll sort out Lucifer, buy you some time to patch him up a bit, we don't want to move him if he is in too much of a state."

"Sure thing Dean, just be careful."

"Aren't I always?" Great, the Dean Winchester Sarcasm, impeccable timing as ever…oh great now you're at it. The sooner this is over the better.”

"Whatever jerk."

"Bitch." With that Dean pushed open the door and took a quick look around, immediately spotting Lucifer lying sprawled across a sofa, his hand hanging off the edge and loosely gripping a half-full beer bottle, surrounded by about five empty bottles. He had gotten through a whole pack!

Dean noted that the television was on; emanating a high pitched wailing noise and showing nothing but static. It made him sick to think that whilst his little brother was dealing with a stab wound, this man…monster, was getting pissed and watching television. He was some sick fuck. Dean found it hard to believe that the brothers were related, surely someone as innocent and harmless as Cas couldn't be related to such an evil dick!

Deciding that it would be best to leave Lucifer asleep if possible, both Dean and Sam entered the bedroom section of the motel room, which was sectioned off with a thin partition-wall. There, lying on the bed with his wrists and ankles tied was Cas. He looked worse than ever, his skin was grey, apart from the areas which were marred with black and purple bruising, such as around his closed eyes and his jawline. His newly fixed nose was oozing blood and looked as if it had been broken again.

Both Winchesters approached cautiously, not wanting to startle Cas into making a loud noise and waking Lucifer up. It was Sam who approached first, gently pressing a couple of fingers to Cas' neck to check his pulse. That was when a pair of blue eyes flickered open and Cas let out a small whimper.

"Shhh. Cas, it's us. Be quiet, your brother is asleep." Castiel nodded weakly but couldn't help but let out a quiet shriek when Dean began to untie his wrists, further chaffing the skin which had been rubbed raw and was bleeding over the off-white bed sheets. Sam flinched slightly as he pressed his hands against Cas' mouth to quieten him, feeling guilty at the desperate look Cas shot him, but convincing himself that it was for the greater good. Castiel moaned into Sam's hand and allowed himself to fall limp when Dean finally managed to untie his wrists and moved onto his ankles.

Sam decided it was safe to remove his hand from Cas' lips, instead taking both of Cas' hands and squeezing them in his own far bigger hands for reassurance.

"You're alright now. We're gonna get you out, hang on for us." Sam began to whisper quiet reassurances as Dean carefully lifted Cas' shirt off and let out a small groan of relief when he saw that Lucifer had at least bandaged the stab wound to Cas' side. It wasn't much and Cas had already lost a lot of blood, but at least the bandage had now staunched the flow and had probably kept Cas alive this long. For a moment Dean thought that maybe Lucifer regretted hurting his brother and was trying to make amends by treating his wound, but then he realized that the sadistic dick was probably trying to prolong his younger brother's suffering.

"Stay with us man." Cas' eyes had begun to roll into the back of his head, and Sam had to slap him on the cheek twice to gain a response. “Don't you dare die on us now, breathe Cas, just carry on breathing.”

"S'm?"

"I'm here. C'mon, you need to get up. We're leaving now." Cas shook his head miserably, shifting into a sitting position and looking up at the Winchesters. His eyes were dry, but Dean could see how much pain their friend was in from his frown, which was even deeper than usual.

"I can't, y-you s-should go b-before he…" Cas was cut off by a thudding sound from behind the partitioned wall and everyone froze.

"I'm not leaving here without you, understand?"

"I-" Castiel was about to protest when the bedroom door flew open, revealing a staggering Lucifer. The smell of beer hit Dean first as he grabbed his gun and moved himself next to Sam, blocking Cas from harm.

"Ahh, boys. You found me. I guess we can have some real fun now. I thought I had given you enough warning to stay away from me, but clearly not." Lucifer slurred his words slightly, but the alcohol was not having as much of an affect on the man as Dean had hoped, his body really must be used to alcohol abuse!

Lucifer moved with startling swiftness considering his drunken state, managing to bowl into Dean, who fell back onto the bed next to Cas with a grimace. Dean began to kick out and scrabble at Lucifer, all too aware that every one of his movements was jarring Cas' wounds.

"Dean!" Sam cocked his gun and shot Lucifer in the shoulder blade at point blank range, relishing in a moment of sweet revenge for his own throbbing shoulder. For a moment he thanked his lucky stars that he had had the sense to fit a silencer to his gun, they didn't need any unwanted attention right now, but he was quickly pulled from his musings when Lucifer turned and punched him hard in the stomach with his uninjured arm.

Sam gasped in surprise as Lucifer winded him and could do nothing to stop the shorter man from kicking him against the wall; he was too busy struggling to breathe. Sam hit the wall hard, crashing through the plaster and hitting his head hard on some metal piping before slumping to the ground, unconscious.

"You!" Dean shot off of the bed and tackled a doubled over Lucifer to the ground, punching and kicking until the man beneath him stopped moving, going limp beneath Dean's body. Dean quickly rushed to his brother's side, picking him up and turning back to Cas.

"I'm gonna put him in the car, I'll be right back to help you out." Castiel nodded, completely shell-shocked. Someone had actually managed to hurt his brother. With a low groan Cas was able to swing his legs out of bed, and prop himself up against the wall. With a fleeting feeling of triumph he took two steps forward before he felt something wrap around his ankles and pull him down.

"You really thought it would be that easy?" Lucifer's grey eyes were wild with pain and fury as he pulled his brother down, grabbing his Cas' mouth to prevent him from making a sound.

"You really thought that your pathetic little friends would get around me so easily?" Castiel glared up at his brother, no longer feeling any love, only hatred and anger.

That was when Cas realized what Lucifer was about to do. Dean didn't know that Lucifer was conscious, Lucifer was going to jump him, and he now had the gun which Sam had dropped when he was thrown into the wall.

Castiel began to struggle for all he was worth, biting at his brother's hand and kicking out, trying to ignore the blinding pain that was flashing through his side.

"Stop struggling, you can't escape me, we are family after all." Lucifer beamed at Cas, a deranged smile sneaking across his features in an almost comical display of victory and amusement. A flash of anger flowed through Cas and he managed to lash out with what little strength he had left, biting down hard enough to draw blood from Lucifer's hand.

"YOU LITTLE!" Castiel heard Dean's footsteps and just had enough time to call out a warning.

"DEAN! He's not…" It was too late, Dean had already taken a few steps into the bedroom, and Lucifer had already taken him by surprise and was holding him by the neck against the wall. Dean struggled violently, his face turning red before he dropped the gun, trying desperately to gain air. He glanced over at Cas, green eyes begging for the boy to get up and run, to get away from this dick but Castiel could not just leave his friend there to die.

"Let him go Lucifer."

"Pardon Cassie, I didn't quite hear you, I'm a little preoccupied killing your little friend here, he's been a bit of a handful don't you think. Just give me a minute." Cas snapped, his brother's sarcastic tone pushing him over the edge of reason.

"Put him down now or I'll…"

"Or I'll lie down like a good little boy and wait for me to deal with you…good." That was it. Cas reached out for Dean's gun before pulling himself up, using the bed for support and ignoring the pain that was causing black spots to dance in front of his vision and the waves of nausea which revealed that the contents of his stomach were planning on making a reappearance.

"Please Lucifer…don't make me." Although Castiel's tone was cold, there was one last hint of emotion in his voice. He was begging for his brother to change his mind, to let Dean go and make everything alright.

Dean let out a strangled gasp before violently twitching, he no longer had control over his body, or enough air to fight back. He could vaguely make out Cas' tall, limber figure behind Lucifer but different colored lights were dancing around in front of his vision and the sunlight streaming in through the window almost made it look as if Cas was glowing, radiating power and fury. For a brief moment Dean smirked, fancying that he saw the light creating a shimmering halo above Cas' head before he closed his eyes.

Dean didn't want to see Lucifer's face as he died; instead he began to picture the Impala, Sammy sitting in the passenger's seat and singing loudly, proudly and badly to Bon Jovi. It was one of the few happy memories that he had left.

That was when Dean was snapped back to reality by the sound of a gunshot and the sensation of falling.

Cas stared down at what he had done, eyes wide yet strangely devoid of emotion. Blood was pooling out from his brother's back and the red liquid had already soaked through his T-shirt. Lucifer was completely limp, his limbs sprawled out awkwardly as if he had dropped from a great height, fallen from the heavens.

As his brother lay curled up and unmoving, it suddenly struck Cas that Lucifer was really quite small.

"Cas?" Dean managed to stumble to his feet, massaging his neck absently and staring at Cas, who seemed to have frozen. Dean just couldn't believe what had happened. Cas, the broken boy, had saved his life, killed his own brother to save his sorry ass. It was a strange feeling to be saved by someone else, it was usually Dean saving innocent, or not quite so innocent people. He didn't think he would get used to the sensation any time soon.

"Cas? You with me?" Again Castiel did not reply, he didn't even flinch or show any sign that he had heard Dean speak.

"CAS!" Castiel turned around and finally seemed to snap back to reality, the gun dropping from his hand and hitting the floor with a dull thud. Cas' blue eyes followed the gun as it bounced next to the bed. He then wrenched his gaze away to face Dean, who was still gasping in breaths as if there was a limited amount of oxygen in the room.

"Dean?" Dean was not quite sure if it was a question or a statement, Cas' voice was hard and his jaw was still set. Dean wasn't quite sure how he expected Castiel to react to the death of his brother, but he would never have predicted this.

"Are you alright?" _Stupid question there Dean…think of something decent to say…don't be your usual insensitive self, don't be an asshole…just say…_

"I'm fine." Cas answered after a long pause, looking own again at his brother and the blood which was pooling out from his crumpled body, staining the pale blue carpet. Strangely, it was true. He did feel fine. In fact, this was the best he had felt in a long time. Cas finally felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, so he decided he would do nothing.

Something inside of him had hardened, at the moment where he had seen Sam being hurt, and then Dean. It had all been too much.

_Maybe I have finally snapped, I've finally lost it._

_Maybe I am more like Lucifer than I thought, cold, murderous._

_I killed someone._

_Oh God, forgive me for I have sinned._

_Please forgive me, I'm sorry._

_I repent._

_What have I done?_

Cas felt a familiar sense of nausea rush over him as he doubled up and vomited weakly into a nearby trashcan, not even noticing when Dean placed one arm around his chest, and used his other hand to support Cas' head as he gasped and choked.

"Cas? C'mon. Let’s get you out of here before anyone finds us, they wouldn't have heard the gun because of the silencer, but someone probably heard all of that thudding and shouting." Cas gave a small nod and straightened himself out, pulling away from Dean's grasp and taking a few, shaky steps towards the motel corridor. The throbbing in his side seemed to have lessened now, probably due to adrenaline, but he was still struggling to draw in deep breaths and his wrists and ankles were aching, small droplets of blood trailing after him.

Dean watched wearily for any sign that Cas was about to collapse, but he gave none, managing to sneak out of the fire entrance and make his way to the Impala with slow, heavy steps. He didn't look back once.

Dean cautiously opened the passenger door and watched as Cas climbed in and drew his knees up to his chest. Sam was still unconscious in the back seat and Dean knew that they needed to go to hospital. He usually avoided them like the plague, well, better than the plague, but Castiel looked awful and would probably need a blood transfusion or something. Furthermore, Sam probably had a concussion and Dean wasn't sure that he had enough energy to take care of a concussed Sammy, let alone a practically catatonic, injured Castiel.

"Cas, are you with me?"

"Where else would I be?" Cas sounded genuinely puzzled for a while and Dean shook his head, slightly exasperated.

"Don't worry. It's just a saying. I'm gonna take you to hospital and I need to make some calls, do you think you can stay awa…" Dean realized he was fighting a loosing battle. By the looks of things Cas' adrenaline fueled energy had finally run out and the boy was breathing heavily, fast asleep. Great, peachy.

Dean drove as fast as he could without gaining the attention of any police officers, going over a state border in order to ensure the police would not find them any time soon, just in case Bobby was unable to dig them out of this one.

He quickly explained away the wounds, saying that they had been out on a guy's night in the town and his friend and brother had been mugged. The staff didn't take too much persuading. They had seen far too many stabbings to be overly suspicious and the wounds seemed to fit, broken bones and a deep abdominal wound on one patient and a concussion with the other. Nothing they hadn't seen before, but in most cases, victims with such deep stab wounds did not survive. Not that they had told the frantic looking man sitting in the waiting room this. It had been all "he is receiving the best possible care," "the doctors are doing all they can for your friend" and "try to get some rest, we will notify you as soon as we hear anything. If something happens, you will be the first to know." Dean didn't believe a word of it, ignoring the nurse’s sympathetic looks and staring into his plastic cup of bitter black coffee.

He had been given a ridiculous amount of paperwork to fill out and he found himself automatically filling out their fake details, making up a new ID for Castiel, calling him Jimmy, the first name that happened to pop into his head. Castiel had been wheeled off for emergency surgery, and as Dean had suspected, a blood transfusion. That had been two hours ago and he hadn't heard anything, the butterflies in his stomach turning to a herd of wild wildebeest, pounding on his internal organs. He realized that the sensation he was feeling was fear, an emotion which was usually reserved for airplane flights. After all, Dean was a fearless hunter; he did not get frightened easily.

He only left the waiting room to call Bobby, who promised that he would pull a few strings with the local police department. The sheriff owed him some favors after an incident with a particularly pissed off ghost and it looked as if Lucifer's death would be passed off as an accident of some kind. Dean and Bobby didn't particularly care as long as it meant no one would be arrested.

Another hour later, a leggy brunette nurse made her way over to Dean, smiling and informing him that his brother was conscious and doing well. He hadn't suffered from any brain damage and would be able to leave the next morning.

"What about C-Jimmy?" The nurse didn't reply, averting her gaze to her newly cut nails before she placed a hand on Dean's knee and gave him a weak, sympathetic smile…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3


	6. Chapter 6

_These simple things I just can't say,_   
_Remove the you from you and me._   
_I stand to bring you to your knees,_   
_Again and again and again._

_And I'm crying,_   
_For someone to show me,_   
_Real tears._   
_I've tasted them._   
_I've wasted them._

_So many empty years._

Dean froze when he saw that look on the nurse's face.

The look that told him that something was wrong. Really wrong.

It was the look that no-one ever wanted to see, especially not when they are sitting in the waiting room of a hospital nursing a crappy cup of coffee.

It was the look that never bore good news.

"What's happened? What's wrong with him?" Dean stood abruptly, about to sprint out of the room when he realised that he had no idea where Cas was.

"Physically, we have managed to patch him up."

"And…"

"I can't really tell you much; you are not his immediate family are you?"

"No, but me and my brother are the only family he has." Dean wasn't quite sure if that was the truth. He had no clue as to whether Cas had any parents or siblings. In fact, he didn't have a clue what was going on with his family life. Dean thought his relationship with Sam and Dad had been messed up, but by the looks of things Cas' family had taken things to a whole new level. He made a mental note to ask Cas, if he ever got to see the boy again.

"I really shouldn't…"

"Please. I'm begging you." Not that Dean Winchester ever begged, well, not unless he really had to, and anyway, surely this didn't count as begging per say… Dean gave the nurse a huge pair of puppy-dog eyes that even Sam would have been proud of, and she crumbled. Ah, the good ol' Winchester charm strikes again.

"He was in a pretty bad state but the doctors successfully gave him a blood transfusion and he is no longer anemic. We have him hooked up on IVs which are giving him the nutrients and fluids he needs, I am afraid to say that he is really underweight, well anorexic really. This will mean that he takes a lot longer than usual to recover from his wounds."

"I'm sure you're just waiting to drop the worse news, just go for it, I can handle it."

"Well, the major issues seem to be physiological. Many victims of muggings and stabbings suffer from physiological trauma, which can often last for extended periods of time, even for the rest of their life depending on the brutality of the attack."

"It was certainly brutal."

"Pardon?" Dean hadn't realised that he had spoken aloud, and quickly bit his lip.

"Nothing, um, can I see him now?"

"There are some other points that I should probably cover. Your friend seems to be extremely distressed, we were forced to sedate him earlier to stop him from harming himself or a member of staff. He is still sleeping."

"YOU WHAT? HE'S HARMLESS…DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH YOU PROBABLY SCARED HIM?"

"Sir please!"

"How do you think you would have felt if you woke up in an unbearable amount of pain having been stabbed and finding yourself surrounded by strangers in a room full of frickin beeping equipment and god knows what else? No wonder he flipped!" Dean lowered his voice ever so slightly. He was now aware of the numerous pairs of eyes staring at him causing a scene.

"Just let me see him, I think he'll be calmer if he wakes up to a familiar face." The nurse looked slightly uncertain but gave a curt nod, still shaken after being shouted at. Today was defiantly not going well for her so far.

When Dean was outside Cas' room he felt a sudden rush of fear. _What if he blames me? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…I should probably go._ He was about to turn when the nurse gave him a comforting nod, placing a hand on his shoulder and gently steering him over to a hospital bed.

Dean stared down at his sleeping friend, who was lying curled up on his left side so as not to hurt his arm or his stab wound.

"He keeps curling up into a ball; it seems like his natural defense mechanism, you'd have thought he was tied up or something, but- Anyway we saw that he reacted with pain when we touched his arm, it looked as if it had been recently dislocated, can you confirm this?"

"Yeah, he tripped down the stairs – we really need to stop getting drunk in town!" Dean was out of clever excuses and just hoped that the nurse would let it ride.

“And the cuts around his wrist – they look like they were made with a razor or handcuffs?”

“Jimmy has been going through a difficult phase, his girlfriend dumped him…he uses self harm as a coping mechanism…me and Sammy keep an eye on him and try to stop him from harming himself too much.”

"Thank you sir. I'll leave you be, just press that button if you need anything. I’ll bring some leaflets for your friend with some contact details – talking may help." Dean nodded before sinking heavily into the visitors' chair, taking Cas' hand, being careful to avoid the cannula which was sticking out of his pale flesh. Both of Castiel's wrists had been heavily bandaged and Dean could only guess as to the state of the rest of his body as Cas was buried under three sheets. Despite this the poor boy was still shaking and Dean wondered if he was still being terrorised by fear, even in his sleep.

"C'mon Cas, wake up man." Dean sat by Cas' side, watching his chest rising and falling before deciding that he was being ridiculous. Dean stood and began to pace the room, anything to avoid the unbearable waiting. He was standing by the window watching a young family walking down the sidewalk when a nurse coughed behind him to gain his attention.

"Are you Jensen?"

"Yeah I am." Dean lied smoothly, he had given himself and Sammy aliases just in case Bobby had been unable to sort things out yet, he couldn't leave any tracks.

"Your brother has woken up, he's doing well. He's pretty insistent about coming over here; he's worried about your friend. The nurses are going to give him a quick once-over and then he'll be allowed to come and wait with you." Finally, one fucking break. It's about time!

Dean settled back into his seat and turned when a concerned looking Sam made his way over to Dean half an hour later.

"Hey man, you ok? How's the head, didn't damage any of those Stanford brain cells did you, or knock out any of that floppy hair? We all know how much of a calamity that would be!"

"Shut it, jerk!" Well at least Sammy is ok then.

"Bitch."

"Whatever, anyway, you look like shit man. Have you slept at all?"

"Nope."

"Maybe…"

"No."

"But…"

"I said no…sorry. I'm just worried about him, he hasn't woken up yet after they sedated him, surely it shouldn't take this long."

"Sedated him?"

"Yeah…can you believe them? Called him dangerous, said he might hurt someone…bloody idiots!" Dean then pondered what he had just said. Technically Cas had hurt his brother, killed him really, but Lucifer had had it coming.

"Dean, you ok?"

"Yeah, I need some air. I'm going out for a while, back in an hour, tops." Sam turned and watched as his older brother walked out, somehow managing to look defeated, despite his head being held high. Sam knew his brother well enough to be able to tell when something was up. It wasn't like him to hang around in hospitals, yet he had spent hours here, and it wasn't like he would leave a friend in need behind, but he had now wandered off somewhere. Weird.

Sam took up Dean's position by Cas' side and waited, carding a hand through his hair and staring at the clock, watching the minutes go by. An hour and a half after Dean had left and Sam was getting worried. _Where the hell is he?_

Ten minutes later, Dean sauntered into the room as if nothing had happened and, if anything, looking rather pleased with himself.

"Where have you been?!"

"The cottage."

"WHAT?"

"I had some stuff to pick up and I couldn't just sit around here waiting."

"But what if something had happened?"

"It didn't."

"It could have done. Then what would you have done, if something had happened because you decided to go on a road-trip in the middle of your watch? What was so important that you had to go swanning off like a prize asshole?"

"Nothing is going to happen to him. He'll be fine; we've dealt with enough shit without loosing him as well. Anyway, I went to see if he had any clothes, but they weren't worth taking, and I picked up his Bible. I thought he'd want it back."

"I sure hope so man." Sam softened a bit at the mention of the Bible - Dean was only doing his best to help. He was never good with emotions and Sam supposed that if going for a drive in the Impala calmed him down, who was he to have a go?

"Mnnn…" Dean and Sam both whipped around to see Cas staring around blearily and Dean felt Cas attempting to pull his hand away from Dean's tight grip.

"Cas, I mean um Jimmy…Are you ok? Can you hear me?" Dean hoped that Cas was lucid enough to realise that he had been booked in under a fake identity, but from the way that Cas was flailing his arms in the Winchester's direction in a bid to make them get away, it didn't seem likely.

"C'mon, it's ok. It's us…calm down. Please." Sam backed away carefully, not wanting to cause any more distress but Cas didn't seem to have noticed his retreat.

"No. NO. PLEASE! Don't. Don't. I won't. I can't. Sorry. I'm so sorry, so sorry, so, so sorry. Please, no…leave me alone…hurts. It really hurts, make it stop, please." Dean quickly pressed the attention button when he saw Cas' face screw up in pain and watched his friend bursting into tears. Racking sobs shook through his body and the previously steady beeping of the heart monitor was now rattling out rapid, irregular bleeps that sounded far too like a distress signal on the EMF reader to Dean. Of course, it wasn't indicating the presence of a ghost, but still, to Dean it didn't seem like a good omen. Years of hunting had told him that a high percentage of omens were actually bad signs. If something gave Dean a bad feeling, it was 99% of the time for a good reason, or a bad reason depending on how you want to look at it.

Dean couldn't just leave Cas to struggle so he took a seat on the edge of his bed, not flinching when Cas' hands feebly lashed out at him.

"It's us; you don't need to be afraid. He's gone." Dean was cut off when two nurses hurried into the room and rushed to Cas' bedside without a moments hesitation.

"Hello Jimmy, are you with us? Everything is alright now, you are in the hospital. You have had surgery on your abdomen but there have been no complications. You'll be up and out of here in no time, just try to calm down for me." The nurse talked in a calm soothing voice in an attempt to soothe Cas, but it didn't work. His sobs increased in intensity and his face was full of pure terror, blotchy and red from tears.

"No!" Cas began to scream, his low voice cracking and waning as he continued to thrash.

"Kate, please can you get me some sedatives, the poor boy is still clearly distressed."

"No, can’t you just…"

"I'm sorry but there is nothing we can do with your friend if he is this terrified. Some sedatives will calm him down and stop him from pulling on his stitches. The last thing we want is for that wound to be ripped open again."

"Fine." Dean huffed and slumped back into the visitor’s seat, feeling nauseous as he watched the needle tearing a hole in Cas' milk white skin. After all the grime, blood and horrors he had seen, there was still something about needles that made Dean uneasy, although they kind of came in the job description considering how many times he had to stitch himself, or Sammy up after a hunt.

Cas was soon sleeping again, this time seemingly less distressed as although he still twitched, he was no longer lashing out at thin air.

"Well that went well…" Sam attempted to make conversation but the glare Dean sent him immediately made the younger Winchester shut up.

It was another two hours until Cas woke up. He blinked blearily and attempted to push himself into a sitting position but a combination of dizziness and Dean's hand pushed him flat against the bed.

"Hey, Cas? You with me now?"

"D-Dean? Sam?"

"Yeah buddy, it's us. We're in hospital Cas, but you're safe now. We've cleared everything up; Bobby called to let us know that he managed to wangle a few things. A policeman apparently owed him a favour. Oh, by the way you are registered as Jimmy here, and you need to call me Jared and Dean is now Jensen. We had to give fake names just in case…" Sam trailed off when he realised that a) he was babbling on and b) Cas didn't seem to be listening. Instead, Cas was reaching out weakly in an attempt to touch Sam's head.

Sam leant forward into the touch, realising that Cas was checking that he wasn’t too badly injured earlier. Despite having a bit of a headache, Sam was doing fine, the painkillers were seeing to that and he needed Cas to know the same thing. To know that none of this was his fault and that he hadn't gotten his friends hurt, which seemed to be one of his greatest fears before they left to go to the cottage.

"I'm fine. And Dean is too. Just some bruising I promise."

"Yeah, it’s you that got beaten to a pulp, again. You really look shit, do you need more meds?" Cas gave his head a brief shake and turned his attention to Dean, a few stray tears trickling down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry."

"What for? You don't need to be sorry, if anything I'm sorry. I should have protected you from that dick, not left him in a room with you and let him take you away."

"It was my fault."

"No it wasn't Cas, don't you ever think that." Pain flashed across Cas' face at Sam's kind words and he turned his head away from both Winchesters, trying to ignore the dull pain in his side.

"Cas. You did the right thing. You saved my life."

"He was my brother." Cas barely whispered his response, burying his face in the thin hospital pillow in an attempt to hide his tears and shame.

"He was a dick. He hurt you Cas, no-one should be allowed to do that. If you didn't kill him he would have killed me and then probably killed you to. Or worse he would have continued beating you into the damn ground."

"I killed someone." Cas' voice was barely a whisper now and Sam and Dean struggled to make out his words, but they got the gist.

"You killed a monster, not someone." Cas didn't seem to be able to hear him anymore, he was lying unmoving with his face in his pillow, his breathing rapid.

_I have sinned. I'm going to hell. I don't want to go to hell, please forgive me Father. I know I have disappointed you, disobeyed the sanctity of life, but I beg you to have mercy. I repent, please forgive me._

Dean gently rubbed Cas' arm in an attempt to make Cas look back up at him, but he didn't and at that moment nurse Kate decided to pop in and check on the situation, asking Dean to stand back a bit whilst she checked up on her patient.

"Hello Jimmy. It’s good to see that you’re with us." Once again the nurse’s attempt at calming Cas and making him feel better failed miserably.

"Are you in any pain Jimmy, can I get you some medicine?" Cas ignored the nurse, favouring the option of pulling the covers up over his face in an attempt to disappear.

"He's just upset about the mugging. I think his side hurts though, he keeps flinching when he breathes in too deep."

"Ok, I'll increase his dose of morphine." After a few moments of fiddling with an IV drip the nurse left, telling Sam and Dean to call if Jimmy showed any more signs of physical distress.

Cas only managed to stay awake for around ten minutes before the morphine sent him under again, and once again he embraced the darkness. When he woke Sam and Dean were settled by his side, Dean fast asleep with his mouth open, snoring, and Sam sleeping with his head rested on Dean's shoulder, an open book on his lap. Sam's attempt of passing time and preventing some stress had at least succeeded somewhat, even if the book hadn't been the thrilling literary masterpiece that the front cover reviews had promised.

Cas sat himself up a little and looked around blearily, checking for danger and relaxing when he saw nothing untoward. He was briefly tempted to wake the brothers but by the looks of things they needed some sleep and Cas wasn't sure he was ready to face them anyway. He vaguely remembered freaking out before, and his throat felt as if he had downed ten shots of acid, he had probably acted like a complete baby and cried. Not good.

With a stupid amount of effort Cas was able to pick up a plastic cup of water off his bedside table and took a sip, winching when swallowing caused the burning his throat to flare up even more. He spluttered weakly and felt his eyes prick with tears, but he wiped them roughly and tried to mentally compose himself.

Dean woke to the sound of muffled coughing and quickly snapped to his senses, putting on a fake grin and aiming it at Cas, who was now looking at him like a rabbit caught in the headlights, all wide eyes and pale face.

"Hey sleeping beauty. Feeling better?"

"Uh, yes. I think so, I…" Cas suddenly felt a wave of nausea roll through him and before Dean could grab a kidney bowl Cas had thrown up all over him, and all down his own hospital gown.

"Cas. I got ya, son of a bitch. Better?"

"Ugh…" Cas groaned as he began to dry heave, each movement causing the pain in his side to spike.

"Woah, you're ok, yep…" Sam gently rubbed Cas' back and took his turn to press the emergency button, explaining to the nurse what had happened and watching as she turned to fetch a clean hospital gown. By the time she had returned with a clean roller bed and gown a very miserable looking Cas was being held up by Dean, with his head buried in Dean's T-shirt.

"Do you need any help with this?"

"I'll do it." Dean took the gown off her and with Sam and the nurse’s help he carried Cas over to the clean bed. The nurse then took her leave, stating that she would be back in five minutes, leaving Sam and Dean to support Cas and help him dress in fresh clothes.

"Thank you." Cas' cheeks were a deep shade of beetroot, humiliation running through him as he saw the mess on Dean's trousers that he had created.

"Don't worry. I have a spare pair in the Impala. Back in a few." Dean tried not to show the fact that he was marginally grossed out and quickly changed in the back seat of his baby, glad that he had an emergency stash of clothing. With their lifestyle it often came in handy. There are moments in time when walking around in blood and mud stained clothes is not socially acceptable.

When he returned Cas was fast asleep again and Sam was massaging his head in his hands.

"Get some sleep Sammy. I'll keep an eye on him." And that he did. Dean sat up for the whole night, watching as two of the three most important people in his life (who were still alive) slept, and all the time he wished, no prayed, that they would be safe and that he would be able to protect them from the horrors that the world kept throwing at them.

As he picked up Cas' Bible from the side it finally hit him.

It was not the words that really influenced and inspired Cas' way of life. It was the love and the sense of community within the pages, between the lines that he relied upon.

It was the idea that there was someone looking down on him, that even when everything was going wrong and he was being beaten, there was someone who cared for and loved him.

Dean now understood why the idea that there was an omni-benevolent presence guiding you was strangely comforting; after all, it was what he did every day of his life. He protects people, strangers, friends, family, even those who don't always deserve protecting. In a way, it was nice to think that he was not the only one who looked after others in a bitter, selfish world.

For the first time in his life, Dean prayed.

_Please let them be ok. Help me watch over them…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3


	7. Chapter 7

_It's not your fault,_  
_You feel okay._  
_It's too late in the day._  
_It's not your fault,_  
_You feel betrayed._  
_You can't come out to play._

_So raise your hands up high,_  
_And let this rain pour on._  
_So raise your hands up high,_  
_And wash us away._  
_Forgive him our father,_  
_Your son is smiling,_  
_So lay roses around you._

It was two days after Cas had been discharged from hospital and it was safe to say that he wasn't doing overly well. Obsessively showering was no longer an option with pretty much Cas' whole stomach being covered in bandages, resulting in him sitting staring blankly at the television for hours on end to the extent where he didn't even realise what was playing.

"Are you watching porn?" It was 1 in the evening and the Winchesters were sitting at a table eating lunch and playing poker, there was nothing else to do in the crappy motel room. Well, they were until they started hearing gasps of pleasure coming from the television.

"Uh…"

"Why?"

"It was there..."

"Cas, I thought what with your religiousness and all that that you're not meant to watch that stuff? Bad for the soul and all that…"

"My soul has already been destroyed Dean, I hardly think that watching porn can condemn me any more than murder already has."

"Cas, it wasn't murder, it was self defense."

"Don't try and make me feel better, I have sinned and I shall repent, then when I die I will go to hell for the evil I have committed. It really is simple, Dean."

"Cas, real life isn't that black and white. There is good and evil in all of us, if heaven is only for winners then I sure won't know anybody there, and neither will the vast majority of people."

"Hmm, I wasn't watching it anyway; it was just on in the background. I was thinking." Cas' voice trailed off at the end of his sentence as he picked up the remote and switched off the television, putting an end to the moaning and gasps being amplified through the speakers.

"Castiel, if you need to talk we're both here to help. And, I'm sure that you are not going to hell. Isn't God all about forgiveness and all that?" Sam, who had overheard most of the conversation from the kitchenette table and sank onto the sofa next to Cas. If Dean couldn't cheer Castiel up then he probably wouldn't be able to either, but it was worth a try.

"Some things don't deserve to be forgiven."

"Everyone deserves a second chance."

"I don't."

"Yes you do, more than most people. Anyway, you can't just spend another day moping around here, you'll get flabby." Dean's attempt of sarcasm was met with a disdainful glare but Dean just shrugged and laid down his cards.

"You're coming out with us whether you want to or not, so if I were you I'd give up without a fight." Sam groaned at his brother's bluntness, he was about as subtle as a gun, well, less subtle than a gun. Besides, mentioning fights in front of Cas hardly seemed like the best course of action. Sam's haunch was backed up when Cas seemed to retreat into his shell a bit, standing up and making his way to the bathroom door before thinking better of it and sinking onto his bed.

The Winchesters however, are renowned for not giving up. They had spent weeks on hunts, been beaten up, witnessed friend after friend die, had their family die before their eyes and still they never gave up. Therefore, they both took a seat on either side of Castiel and waited until he met their eyes.

"Right, we're going out and that's an order" Dean decided that taking a leaf out of his late father's book might be the way to go, he had never disobeyed and hoped that Cas would have the same loyal mentality.

"So, what do you want to do, what are your plans?"

"I thought I'd just sit here quietly."

"You do realise you can do whatever you want now, your brother isn't here to control you anymore. You can go out, y'know. I mean dude, c'mon, anything. Booze, women…booze and women. Whatever takes your fancy?" Dean seemed to realise that he had gone too far when Cas stood up, made his way over to the front door and slammed it in his face, something had snapped.

_Why doesn't he understand, some tart isn't going to make me feel better. I am evil and nothing I do can change that, or soften the blow._

"Shit!" By the time that Sam and Dean had reached the end of the corridor Castiel was already out of sight, it was almost as if he had flown down the corridor, or just zapped himself into nothing with some weird mojo or voodoo crap. Dean groaned internally before turning back to his brother with a guilt-ridden expression.

"Do you think we should go after him?" Sam could see that his brother was worried and felt bad about what he had said, but at least Cas had finally left the motel room.

"Nah, we should let him cool off."

Dean began to mentally have a go at himself, _stupid Dean, stupid, stupid. Now you’ve really upset him._

"My thoughts exactly. C'mon man, I could really do with a beer right now and there's no point looking for him. He could have gone anywhere and I'm sure he'll be back soon anyway."

"Yeah."

However, Castiel was not back 'soon. 'In fact, he turned up twelve hours later, at 1 in the morning and he was not in a good state when he arrived. Sam had been the one to get the door when he heard two loud knocks. Dean had just fallen into a restless but deep sleep and Sam didn't want to have to wake him if he didn't have to.

When he flung the door open the smell of alcohol hit his nostrils, and Sam, who was no stranger to whiskey, took a couple of steps backwards, allowing for Cas to stumble in the door.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I found a lick-liqua-liquor store." Cas' words were slurred and mid-sentence his voice hitched as he toppled sideways into a wall.

"And?" Sam quickly wrapped a supporting arm under Cas' in an attempt to keep him upright, using the one that hadn't been shot. However, despite putting his best arm foreword, Cas' legs buckled before he had a firm grip sending them both plummeting to the floor. Sam stood up again and looked concernedly down at Cas, who had made no attempt to get back up. He then extended a hand to the boy but gave up when it was batted away feebly.

"And I d-drank it." Cas stated, looking up at Sam from the floor as if it was the most obvious thing ever, as if everyone just drained the contents of an entire liquor store, but Sam didn't have the heart to question him.

"How much man?"

"Looooooooooads. It was quite fun rea…" Cas was interrupted by a loud hiccup, which then turned into a bout of giggles, and then coughs. _Wow, he's drunk. That will lead to the hangover from hell tomorrow!_

Cas was now sitting cross-legged on the floor, gripping hard onto Sam's leg with a shaking hand.

"S-sit with me. It campy, comety, uh…comftayyy down here!" Sam highly doubted that the motel floor was the slightest bit comfy, but complied, settling down next to Cas who had slumped to the side, no longer able to sit up straight.

Sam was really worried about the reaction that Cas' pain meds would have with the alcohol, but he was still conscious which Sam took as a good thing.

"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam."

"Yes Cas?"

"I like you. You're n-nice, and you're tall. You're like a tree, I like trees. They're tree-ey. And big, no HUUUUGE, and woody. Haha, wood, you're like a pencil…" Cas' voice trailed off, leaving Sam uncertain about whether he should laugh or not. He decided against laughing in favour of doing something productive, like getting Cas into bed, which would be easier said than done.

"Right, bed for you."

"No thanksss you, I don't see you in that wahayy." Sam couldn't help but laugh at Cas' now serious tone but quickly regained a grip on himself. This was not funny.

"Not together Cas, you need some sleep."

"I dnnn want toooo!"

"Tough, bed, NOW."

"Nope, you're bossy. I wanna t-tch-talk to you."

"What about?" Sam admitted defeat; there was no way he was getting Cas willingly into bed.

"I dunno. I'm hungry, I want a burger…burgers are nice, n-not as nice as you and Dean. I like Dean too, but hesh not like a tree, he's like a… Like a cat. I really wanna burger. With bacon. I love red meat! Why red? It's brown not red." Castiel began to laugh again and Sam really didn't know what to do. Normally when Dean was drunk he'd simply pass out or end up round some girl's house and he wouldn't have to deal with this.

"A cat?"

"Yep." Cas seemed very proud of his analogy but Sam for one didn't understand it. Dean, the hardened hunter didn't strike him as being fluffy and cute.

"Yep. He's cuddly and nice, and he had green eyes."

"Ok then…um, so food, if I get something for you to eat do you think you'll be able to keep it down?" Cas never answered. He had fallen fast asleep in a sitting position, his head flopping towards the floor, body completely hunched over.

"Great. C'mon then." Sam carefully lifted Cas over his good shoulder and supported him, walking slowly to the bed, grateful that the boy was so light. He managed to get Cas under the covers without waking the boy or knocking his side, deciding that it would be best if Castiel just slept this off.

Sam then went to the kitchenette and got a glass of water and placed it and a couple of aspirin on Cas' bedside table before fetching the bin and placing it on the floor next to Cas' bed. He would definitely need it. Then, Sam decided that he should get some sleep while he could, it wouldn't be long before he was woken up by a vomiting Cas and that would be slightly more pleasant to deal with if he wasn't completely sleep deprived.

All too soon Sam's prediction came true, and both he and Dean were awoken by the sound of retching coming from Cas' bed - they had finally managed to book a family room with a double and a single bed so Cas could sleep on his own while Sam and Dean shared. It wasn't as if they hadn't before and this didn't seem like a good time to be picky about sleeping arrangements.

"Ngggh?" Sam translated Dean's slur as, 'when the hell did he come back, why didn't you wake me and what the fuck is wrong with him?'

"He came back absolutely rat-assed at around 1, and you were asleep so I dealt with it."

"Shoulda woken me up, bitch." Dean had now switched on the bedside lamp, making Cas groan loudly, and louder still when he sank down on the bed next to the boy.

"Cas, y'need anything. Water?" Cas gave a shaky nod before another roll of nausea hit him, causing him to become reacquainted with what felt like Vodka, flaming vodka, or a flaming sambuca. Whatever it was, it burnt even more coming up than it did going down, that was for sure.

"H-hurts."

"Where hurts Cas, talk to me man?"

"M'side n throat." Cas was barely able to get any words out, his throat felt raw and his head was swimming. The room had been reduced to blurred shapes and smears of colour that wouldn't look out of place on the canvas of an abstract artist.

"Ok, hold still and let me take a look." Sam carefully pulled up Cas' T-shirt and checked the bandages, which were thankfully still clean and blood free.

"Don't worry, you haven't ruined the stitches, you probably just jarred them a bit. Try and breathe for me." Sam carefully rubbed Cas' stomach as he heaved again, whilst Dean held Cas' forehead to keep him steady and upright. Despite the vomiting he clearly still had a lot of alcohol in his system.

"Damn you're shit-faced. Do you think you can make it to the toilet?" Cas gave a small nod again and staggered to his feet, the Winchesters placing one of his arms over each of their shoulders to support him as he swayed. When they finally reached the bathroom all of the colour from Cas' cheeks had drained and he was barely able to hold the cup of water that Sam passed him, slopping most of it down his front.

"I'm wet. Why am I wet? Dean? I don't want to be wet! Where am I?" A now disorientated Cas was staring around wildly, trying to make sense of the too-bright-light and the objects swaying in his line of vision.

"Cas you're in the loo, just chill. You're wet because you spilt water down yourself."

"Oh…" Cas heaved up the few sips of water that he had been able to swallow and rested his head miserably on the toilet seat, god his head hurt!

"Cas, just let it all out. You will feel better." Cas didn't quite understand how puking would make him feel better, it hurt, but he did as Dean told him until there was nothing left in his stomach.

"Ow." Cas looked up at Dean, his eyes glossy with unshed tears as he was helped to his feet.

"Back to bed I think."

"Ok Dean." Cas could still barely hold himself upright, but he managed to collapse into bed, nevertheless. The last thing he saw was Dean and Sam's concerned faces. All four of them considering the fact that he was now seeing double.

When Cas finally woke up the next morning he could still taste alcohol, so was glad to find a cup of water on his bedside and a couple of painkillers, which he swallowed down gratefully. Then he made a mental note, _never ever, ever drink alcohol again. It does not agree with you!_ He sat up blearily and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, attempting to relieve the pressure causing his horrific headache.

"Hey Cas, you up?" Cas could now make out the sounds of the radio playing Heat of the Moment and groaned, looking over at Dean and silently begging for him to turn down the noise that was making his ears ring.

"Bet your head hurts this morning, did you take the pills?" Sam spoke quietly and sat next to Cas on the bed, being careful not to jolt him about too much.

"Yeah, thanks. Um, what happened last night?"

"You were just, a bit, um, drunk." Cas' face fell, had he really been so bad that Sam wouldn't tell him what had happened?

"What did I do?"

"You we're just sick, that's all." Sam decided to spare Cas the gory details, what he doesn't know can't help him.

"Oh. Thanks for looking after me."

"Here to help." Dean gave a cheesy grin that would be worthy of any poster before grabbing three mugs of coffee, handing them out and taking a sip from his own mug.

"Do you feel like doing anything today Cas?" He didn't want to push things like last night, but being stuck in this motel room was driving him crazy and he knew that Sammy felt the same way.

"There was something…"

"What?"

"Iwanttogobackandseemybrother'sgrave." Cas spoke so quietly that Dean didn't hear his words fully, and even if he had heard they were hardly legible considering how fast Cas had spoken.

"What?"

"I…can I see, my brother's grave?" Dean and Sam exchanged looks, visiting graveyards usually ended with one of them being knocked unconscious by a headstone, but Bobby had taken care of things and informed them that the body had been salt and burned, so Lucifer would be no trouble. The last thing Castiel needed was a highly vengeful ghost haunting his ass.

"Sure thing. If you think it will help you." Sam knew that Dean didn't agree with the whole visiting graves and laying down flowers thing, but he also knew that Dean would do pretty much anything to help a friend in need. Dean did huff slightly, but soon agreed and in less than an hour Sam was sprawled out in the back of the Impala whilst Dean and Cas were up front. He didn't usually like sitting in the back but thought that Cas would probably benefit from some human contact rather than being settled in the back to silently watch the world go by.

When Metallica's 'The Unforgiven III' started playing, Dean was surprised when Cas began to sing along softly.

_"Set sail to sea but pulled off course, by the light of golden treasure. Was he the one causing pain, with his careless dreaming? Been afraid, always afraid, of the things he's feeling. How can I be lost, if I've got nowhere to go? Searched the seas of gold, how come it's got so cold."_

"You like Metallica?"

"Um, yeah I guess so, Lucifer used to listen to it before, before everything. " Cas' voice hitched but he seemed to be keeping control, at least he wasn't crying.

"Oh, I can turn it off if you like."

"No, leave it. It's fine, I like this track." Cas and Dean spent the rest of the journey singing along to their favourite Metallica songs and after twenty minutes of torture Sam began singing the choruses. If you can't beat them join them!

However, this cheerful atmosphere quickly dissipated when Cas saw a sign advertising the cemetery, reminding him of why he was here. Dean turned off the car radio and drove past the sign, pulling in a lay-by and parking up.

"Do you want to get some flowers or something?" Sam had often visited his mother's grave when Dean was out getting smashed, there was something reassuring about the gesture and he always bought some flowers. He didn't know why, but somehow the gesture seemed important. He didn't even know what his mother's favourite flowers had been, but usually went for a bunch of lilies. They were so beautiful and although Dean would laugh and scoff, they reminded Sam of how he guessed his mother would be, if he could remember her.

"I don't have any money left. I spent it on alcohol." Cas' voice was hard, as if he was straining to keep it all in. Well, he was.

"Now ya do." Dean pulled his wallet out and handed Cas a twenty dollar bill, having no idea how much flowers cost. In his mind it was a complete waste of money that could have been spent on booze, but he knew that some people valued the whole flower crap, including Sammy. Dean knew that his brother would visit their mother's grave at least once every six months but never had the heart to bring it up. He found himself wishing that he to could find solace in visiting her grave, but to him churchyards always seemed morbid and full of sad memories, memories that he would rather not remember, yet alone relate to his mother.

"Thank you, Dean."

Dean could tell this meant a lot to Castiel, so smiled and helped him choose out a beautiful bouquet of pure white roses. In Cas' mind they represented the purity and peace that he hoped his brother had found in heaven, as despite everything he had to believe that his brother was in a better place. Dean on the other hand hoped that Lucifer was burning in hell, trapped in a cage or a box room like Cas was. There would be some sort of ironic justice in that.

Sam and Dean held back when Cas went over to the headstone that an elderly caretaker pointed him to. In Dean's opinion it looked as if he would be joining in the party downstairs sometime soon as well, and wondered why he wasn't getting as far away from the graveyard as possible. Both Winchesters watched as Cas crossed his chest before sitting down cross-legged. They could see Cas' lips moving but couldn't make out what he was saying. Sam held Dean back when he tried to take a few steps closer. This was a private moment and Sam didn't want his brother to interrupt. This was all part of the grieving process and it would be best if Castiel was left to go through it at his own pace.

"I'm so sorry Lucifer. So, so sorry. I love you so much; I wish…I wish you were still here. I'm sorry for k-killing you. I didn't mean to, well, I guess I kind of did but you have to understand, I was scared. I know that's no excuse, but please give me a sign that you forgive me or something?"

If Bobby hadn't organized for the bones to be burnt then this would probably be the moment that Lucifer's ghost appeared and threw Cas around the graveyard, but he had, and nothing happened.

"Please brother, I would do anything to change what I did. I'm sorry." Cas' voice faded into mumbled whispers, and was eventually drowned out by a clap of thunder in the distance. Storm clouds had been rolling in the whole time Cas sat at his brother's side, although he didn't seem to have noticed, not even moving when rain began to pour. Soon he was drenched, his trench coat soaked through, followed by the layers of clothes beneath until Cas was trembling with cold.

Dean hunched his shoulders against the cold but didn't move. It was the least he could do. However, when his phone rang he knew he had to take the call. He quickly hurried back to the Impala, perching on her hood whilst Sam quickly informed Cas where they were. He showed no sign of hearing, but it didn't look as if he would be moving any time soon anyway. Suppressed sobs were causing Cas to shake even harder but Sam knew that this was an important phone call. They had been waiting for a while now and he didn't want to miss the conversation.

When Sam was a few feet away he could hear Dean's voice, which was louder than normal in an attempt to drown out the thundering crashes of rain.

"…yeah, I told the receptionist to let you in the room when you arrived. We should be back soon, we're just at the graveyard…He's doing ok I guess, I mean, distraught obviously, but he hasn't topped himself or anything and seems to be making some progress. He is trusting me and Sammy more now which is good…yes, much better too, his side has been stitched up and is healing well…Sam's shoulder is fine…don't worry about it, it was worth it, we had to do something…see you later, I'm sure Cas will be glad to see you to." Dean hung up and gave Sam a quick thumbs up.

"They landed this morning, the flight was a bit late, Gatwick airport was experiencing some difficulties or something. By the sounds of things Gabriel really hates flying! I am not the only sane person left on this planet."

"When will they be at the motel?"

"They've just pulled in; I told them to make themselves comfy."

"Yeah, I got that bit. I hope this goes down well, I mean Cas hasn't seen Balthazar for seven years or Gabriel for five. I feel sorry for the blokes, the idea of being of in England and not knowing what was happening to your brother at home, it must have been awful to find out."

"Well, it was hardly an apple pie moment when I called them to tell them, was it? ‘Hi, I'm a random stranger, just to let you know your brother Lucifer was abusing your youngest brother for years. Yeah, Castiel. No, he's fine, just covered in bruises, is recovering from a dislocated shoulder and has been stabbed but apart from that he's doing great. Oh yeah, did I mention the physiological trauma and the fact that he is a bit of an emotional wreck, well a lot of an emotional wreck? No, oh well, he is. You might just want to hop onto a plane and try to offer him some condolences. Talking of which, Lucifer is dead, Cas killed him. Anyway, have a nice night, see ya soon.’"

Sam couldn't help but give a small laugh at Dean's sarcastic tone; it had not been a comfortable conversation to overhear. While Cas was out of it at hospital Sam had done some research into his family tree on the internet, the things you can find on there! A few hours later he had found out the information he needed, Castiel had two older brothers who had moved to England.

After contacting Bobby they had been armed with the older brother's phone numbers and having checked that the guys were not complete dicks, Dean had asked them to come over and visit Cas. It had been him who had delivered the blow and he could safely say that he never wanted to do anything like that again.

Both brothers trudged back to the graveyard and froze when they saw that Castiel was no longer sitting at Lucifer's grave.

"Shit, where'd he go?"

"No idea." Sam began to do a sweep of the surrounding area, but Dean soon realised where Cas was. There was an old chapel a five minute walk away, he would be prepared to bet his Baby that Cas was there, well, probably.

"Sam, over here." Sam hurried to catch up with his brother when he saw where Dean was heading, and sure enough when they entered the church, there was Cas sitting in the front pew with his head bowed.

"Cas?" Dean walked over and sat next to Cas, wrapping a comforting arm around him and allowing him to bury his face in Dean's leather jacket. Sam soon followed, perching on Castiel's other side and rubbing between his shoulders as Cas sat perfectly still. He wasn't crying any more, seemingly he had run out of tears, but he looked exhausted and was still quivering with cold.

Half an hour later Dean broke the eerie silence. Something about churches gave him the creeps, maybe the idea that someone might be watching and judging him, and based on his track record that would probably not end well.

"Cas you're frozen. We should get going."

"Ok, I'm ready now." Cas followed the Winchesters out of the church, somehow feeling at peace with himself. He didn't know why but he felt as if his conscious had been cleared, a clean slate. Maybe if he lived his new life well God would forgive him for his sins.

The journey back to the motel was uneventful, apart from Sam and Dean arguing over the pros and cons of installing a cable into the Impala's dashboard so Sam's Ipod could be plugged in. Dean ended the argument by stating that even if it worked, which it wouldn't because Sam would never get the chance to mess with Baby, they wouldn't use it anyway because Sam had rubbish music on his Ipod. Dean really couldn't understand it, who the hell listens to Jason Manns anyway?

Cas couldn't help but agree with Dean on this one, give him some AC/DC any day but he stayed out of the argument, it sounded as if it had been ongoing for years and he wasn't about to take sides.

When they finally pulled into the motel Castiel noted that Sam and Dean had shut up, and both looked slightly nervous.

"What's going on?" Dean answered by opening the motel room door, revealing Balthazar and Gabriel, who were sitting perched on Cas' bed, legs bobbing with nerves.

"Cas!" Both brothers jumped to their feet, Balthazar smiling at his younger brother with a mix of emotions on his face ranging from grief to love.

"I'm so sorry Cas, if we knew, if only we'd have known. We'd have gotten you out of there, I promise." Castiel was frozen in place, his body didn't seem to want to move, as if it didn't really belong to him but he was some sort of host without full control.

"Hey Cas." Gabriel was the first to walk over to his younger brother, pausing a few feet away with his arms open wide, waiting for Cas to walk into his embrace.

"No tricks, I don't have an electric shock machine, I swear." The ghost of a smile flickered across Cas' face. Some things never changed. Gabe had always been the joker of the family, constantly getting himself and others in trouble. It was just for fun though though, Gabriel's pranks were mainly harmless. Mainly.

Cas hesitated before crossing the distance between them, allowing Gabriel to pull him close. Strong arms wrapped around Cas' skinny chest and he felt himself relax into the grip. _God, I missed this._ He felt safe with Gabriel's arms wrapped around him, as if he had been enveloped by the wings of an angel. Because that's what Gabriel was to Cas, the angel on his shoulder who had offered love and guidance in whatever way he could, before he had moved away at sixteen to start a new life and career abroad.

"I know. It wasn't your fault."

"I should have been there for you." Cas felt a few tears drop onto his shoulder and forced himself to get a grip for his brother's sake.

"You are here for me now, that's all that matters."

"I love you so much Cas, we both do." Castiel nodded and slowly pulled out of Gabriel's grip, moving over to Balthazar who was still hovering by Cas' bed to allow his older brother some privacy to wipe his eyes.

Castiel was the one to initiate this hug, which Balthazar returned gratefully, glad that Cas had forgiven him, even if he could not forgive himself for what he had let happen. He was the eldest brother, he was meant to protect his siblings and stop things like this from happening. He had failed.

"Nothing like this will ever happen to you again Cas, you did the right thing. I would have done the same if I got my hands of Lucifer. I just can't believe he did that to you. I don't want to believe it, but I have to." Cas nodded and pulled away, uncomfortable and suddenly aware that he was still soaked through and that his bandages would need changing now.

"I just need to sort myself out a bit, I'll be right back." Cas was uncomfortable with all the concerned looks he was receiving so grabbed the first aid kit and headed to the bathroom.

"Do you need any help?" Sam could see that Cas might need a pep-talk, but was interrupted by Gabriel.

"I'll do it." Cas nodded quietly and allowed Gabriel to bandage his side, the gasp of shock and emotional pain that Gabe let out was worse than the physical pain. He began to remove the old bandages and wrapped new ones around Cas' too skinny waist, wondering when he had gotten so thin.

"Oh Cas, I'm so sorry." Whatever Gabriel had been expecting, it wasn't this. Cas was covered in bruising and the jagged cut and stitches marring his brother's side made him feel sick, although not sick enough to prevent him from grinning when he heard a loud farting noise from next door.

"GABRIEL!" Balthazar's voice echoed out and down the entire motel corridor. Cas and Gabriel took one look at each other and burst out into laughter.

"You know what I was saying about no tricks…" Cas snorted at this and when he left the bathroom with Gabriel the sight before him made him laugh all the harder. A red-faced Balthazar was wildly brandishing a pink whoopee cushion in a threatening manner at Gabriel, who mockingly put his hands up in surrender.

"Chill man, I won't do it again. Why don't you go for a jog and let out some steam…steam. Get it?"

Sam and Dean, who had been trying to suppress their own laughter, let it all out, reminded of their own prank wars.

At least the atmosphere was less tense now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a non-destiel ending, the ninth a destiel ending, so it's up to you which you read! I hope you have enjoyed this update :D Please let me know what you think :)


	8. Non-Destiel Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non-Destiel ending.
> 
> Go straight ahead to the next chapter if you want some Destiel loving <3 There is a sequel to this fic called Are You With Me, which follows on from the destiel chapter, if you want to check it out!

_Why give up, why give in?_   
_It's not enough, it never is._   
_So I will go on until the end._   
_We've become desolate._   
_It's not enough, it never is._   
_But I will go on until the end._

_Surround me, it's easy,_   
_To fall apart completely._   
_I feel you creeping up again._   
_It's over, no longer,_   
_I feel it growing colder._

_I knew this day would come to end,_   
_So let this life begin._   
_I've lost my way._   
_I've lost my way,_   
_But I will go on until the end._

Balthazar and Gabriel returned to their room when Cas had fallen asleep rested against Gabriel's side. They had booked the room next to the Winchester's in case anything went wrong or if Cas needed them. Now that they were back, both brothers were determined not to let Castiel down again.

Neither had slept much all night, both plagued by images of Cas being tortured and locked up, and in Gabriel's case flashbacks of Cas' bruised and battered body.

"Gabe, you awake?"

"Yeah."

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know. I don't know what we can do. I feel dreadful."

"Me too." There didn't seem to be anything left to say so Balthazar rolled over and hugged his feather pillow closer, waking up an hour later with a start after dreaming about Lucifer looming over Cas with a knife.

They had arranged to meet Cas and the Winchesters at breakfast the next morning and plastered on false smiles when they joined them at a table.

"Morning everyone." Gabe grinned and sat down at the table but was immediately uneasy when he saw that Cas was not with them. Balthazar didn't take a seat, staring around for his brother; hands clenched into fists, what else could possible go wrong?

"Where's Castiel?"

"Don't worry, he's on his way. Said something about praying so we left him to it." Balthazar nodded and finally took a seat next to Gabriel, who was next to Sam. This left the seat between Dean and Balthazar free for Cas.

"So. Boys. Now what? We stare at each other for the rest of eternity?" Gabriel's attempt at humor fell rather flat and he stared somewhat awkwardly down at his hands, waiting for someone to break the silence.

"So, um, how come you moved to England?" Balthazar's expression revealed that Sam's question had not gone down well, but the eldest brother calmly explained about the job offer he had received and how Gabriel had wanted to get away for a while, his relationship with their father hadn't been the best.

"What, so you just upped and left Cas with Lucifer?"

"I-I didn't know Lucifer could ever do anything like that. I mean he is-was my brother too. I loved him and I thought he loved the family to. He was always Dad's favorite." There was a hint of jealousy in Gabriel's tone, but it failed to cover up the fact that Gabriel was taken aback by Dean's arrogance and aggression. The dick didn't have a clue about his family life. People always saw him as the joker, the runt of the family who ran off to study sociology and psychology rather than math and science. The human mind fascinated him and he felt a great love for his species, just because he wasn't the most successful businessman ever did not mean that he was worthless.

"Shut your cake-hole. You don't know anything about my family. I loved my father, and my brothers. Loved them! But I was so fed up with the arguing, I needed to escape. I couldn't bear it! Okay? So I left. If I'd have known what that big bag of dicks was going to do to my brother I would never have moved!" Dean could hear the sincerity in Gabriel's voice and found himself feeling slightly guilty, who was he to judge when it came to bad decisions about family?

"Sorry man, just a bit tired. It's been a stressful few weeks."

"Sure, I'm sorry too. I guess you did find Cas, if you hadn't I hate to think what would have happened!" Gabriel and Balthazar shuddered at the thought, the eldest remaining silent. He had listened to Gabriel's tirade and felt awful, he should have done more to keep their family together.

Everyone at the table let out a small sigh of relief when Castiel entered the breakfast room, albeit walking with a slight limp due to the pain in his side.

"Hey Cas." Everyone smiled as if nothing had happened when Castiel sat down, offering him cups of tea, coffee and juice, all of which he politely refused, with him settling for a glass of water.

"You alright little brother?" Balthazar looked concerned, the Cas he remembered had always had a love for sweet food, drinking hot-chocolates with extra sweetener or tea with four sugars.

"I'm fine." The look that Gabriel shot Cas made him open up within an instant, he could always get through to Cas when they were younger and it seemed as if some things never change.

"I just feel a little bit queasy, the painkillers don't agree with me much."

"You should eat something." Dean stood and led Cas to the continental breakfast table, watching as Cas loaded a bowl with fresh fruit. He'd have done anything to escape that table!

"Uh, I meant something with a few calories. You need to eat a burger or something, get some meat on your bones." Cas tilted his head, wondering why Dean would care about his 'meat,' unless Dean was a vampire, but then he realized that Dean was being ironic. It seemed like years of hardship and time spent away from Gabriel had taken its toll on Cas' sense of humor.

When they both returned to the table, Cas’ having compromised with two slices of plain toast, Sam grunted in disgust at Dean's plate. Well, plates. He had managed to cram a stack of pancakes the size of his head on one plate, had waffles on another and to top it all off he was balancing pot of full-fat yoghurt on one of his wrists.

"What is up with you and your food choices? It's 8 in the morning!"

"You can talk salad boy…ugh that salad cream gloop you eat!" A look of disgust crossed Dean's features. "It's like eating self righteousness or something. Anyway, what's wrong with my food?"

"It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism."

"Shut up bitch, I like it!"

"Unhealthy jerk."

"Ouch that hurt Sammy." Dean mocked looking offended before cramming a forkful or syrup loaded pancakes into his mouth and groaning in satisfaction. "Ugh God you got to taste this." Sam looked amused but realized that the others at the table seemed less impressed.

"You haven't said Grace." It was Balthazar who spoke up first, offering a hand to Gabriel and Castiel.

"Grace?"

"We need to thank God for bringing us back together, for providing us with food and love at a time when we need it most."

"Uh, yeah, of course." Dean grimaced internally when he realized how chick flick this looked but did not comment, instead linking hands with the others at the table. He noted Cas glance at Balthazar, who gave him an encouraging nod before Cas opened his mouth to speak

"Thank you, Lord, for this food which is set before us. May we use it to nourish our bodies, and thee to nourish our souls. Make us ever more mindful of the needs of others, and the needs of our planet. Please forgive me my sins, O Lord; forgive me the sins of my youth and the sins of mine age, the sins of my soul and the sins of my body, my secret and my whispering sins, the sins I have done to please myself and the sins I have done to please others. Forgive those sins which I know, and the sins which I know not; forgive them, O Lord, forgive them all of Thy great goodness. Through Christ Our Lord, Amen."

Dean was surprised when he found himself saying Amen at the end of the prayer, along with everyone else at the table. Usually Dean would have laughed or scoffed, but something about the prayer seemed poetic and though he would never admit it aloud, it was beautiful coming from Cas' lips.

After that everyone made idle small-talk, smiling more than necessary in Cas' direction hoping that he would not notice the worry in their eyes. It was as if they expected him to vanish or puff into a cloud of smoke.

The only real break in tension was when 'My Heart Will Go On' began to play from the speakers, which were meant to be playing calming atmospheric music that wasn't disagreeable. Within two bars of the song Balthazar stood up and excused himself stating that he needed the bathroom and would be back in a minute, but everyone heard him mumble something along the lines of "that god-awful Celine Dion song makes me want to smite myself!"

As soon as he left Gabriel sprung into action, spooning some chili flakes into Balthazar's coffee and stirring it in until they had dissolved. If the hotel staff were kind enough to put chili flakes on the breakfast table, who was he to refuse them and their hospitality? The flakes were certainly going to good use.

"That was slightly harsh." Sam didn't know whether to be amused or to stand up for Balthazar, he quite liked the guy.

"Nah, this is nothing, you should have seen the Nair in the shampoo, Balthy didn't talk to me for a week!"

"No way, you didn't?!" Dean was now grinning for ear to ear, but Sam looked less amused, filling Cas and Gabe in.

"We were having a bit of a prank war and Dean thought it would be funny to do that to me as well…some people 'ey Cas, cant take 'em anywhere!" Cas smiled weakly, waiting for Balthazar to return, it would certainly be amusing.

When the eldest brother came back, thankfully when Celine Dion had stopped wailing, everyone forced on a neutral expression, Cas biting his lower lip.

"You guys miss me?"

"Oh so much. It was like getting feathers plucked or something, not that I've ever been plucked or have feathers, but I guess for a bird it would be painful. Anyway, you get the gist."

"Whatever Gabe." Balthazar slumped back into his seat and grabbed his coffee, god knows he needed it after last night! Everyone watched with baited breath as he took the first sip, and then the second, and then…

"GABRIEL!" The familiar shout echoed through the breakfast room and reverberated around the corridor of the motel, but Gabriel had already disappeared somewhere. He knew to quit whilst he was ahead.

Later that night it was Balthazar who broached a subject that everyone had been avoiding all day.

"Um Cas, the thing is that me and Gabe need to head back to England in a couple of days. We are both settled there, houses, mortgages, jobs, girlfriends. What I'm trying to say is, come with us. You need a fresh start, to get away from everything."

A fresh start. Cas thought about that choice of phrasing for a while. He knew this had been coming and thought he had made a decision. He would leave with his brothers, his family, where he belonged, it was the obvious option. But did he really belong with them? Were they his real family? He loved his brothers and would do anything for them, but they hadn't seen each other for years. Something just didn't seem right.

However, when Cas looked at Sam and Dean he realised that they were his true family. They had saved him, pulled him from a pit of despair and they were the ones who he really trusted with his life.

"I think, I think that I should stay here." Cas tilted his head towards Sam and Dean who looked bemused, but gave him a slight nod to let him know that they were ok with whatever Cas chose to do. It didn't cross either of their minds that they hunted monsters for a living, I mean, how were they going to break that one to Cas.

_Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention the fact that we are hunters. Well, hunters is a bit of a loose term, we technically go out and kill evil sons of bitches, it's the family business. You know everything you ever thought went bump in the night when you were a kid, chances are that they do…yeah werewolves, vampires too, and there are also some monsters you wouldn't be able to dream up. Fancy meeting a Wendigo?_

"Cas? Are you sure man, we could start again. Be a proper family." Gabriel looked at his brother, tears prickling in the back of his eyes. Castiel had never seen Gabriel cry and the sight almost tore through his resolve, but he was tougher now. What hadn't killed him made him stronger and he was certain that the place he belonged was by Dean and Sam's side.

"I'm sure. I love you, but I belong here with Sam and Dean, I am happy here."

"I understand Cas and you know I will stand by you no matter what, we are brothers, but this is a huge decision. Are you sure this is what you want?" Balthazar smiled mournfully down at his little brother, knowing that along the way part of their relationship had been lost.

They just weren't the same people any more. Cas wasn't a vulnerable child who needed protection from his older brothers. He was hardened like a soldier; he had seen and witnessed things that very few could even imagine. Yes, he was still young and yes he was in a fragile state of mind, but he was by no means defenseless. His stand-off with Lucifer proved that. Cas could defend himself and make his own decisions, and it looked as if his mind was made up.

"Yes. I'm sorry Balthazar, Gabriel."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Sam and Dean both left the room when the three brothers enveloped each other in their arms, it was a private scene and neither Winchester was particularly well adapted to surviving chick flick moments.

Cas stood tall with his feet standing slightly apart wearing both his beige trench coat, which thankfully had been dry cleaned, and a slight frown. He had tilted his head to the side in order to watch his two elder brothers walk through the automatic doors at the airport. They were really leaving. For a moment Cas wondered whether he had made the right decision, and he contemplated leaving America behind, considered flying, soaring high in the skies with his brothers.

But he didn't follow them.

Instead, Cas turned his back on his family, rebelling against what society would expect of him, and he didn't care. If anything, the thing he was most worried about was the fact that he didn't care about the fact that he didn't care. Surely he should be feeling something, grief at his family walking away from him again, but he didn't. Instead, he felt free. It was almost as if the world had opened up to him, he could do whatever he wanted now, had the ability to use his free will however he wished. He could follow the American dream, find a nice cottage and live an apple-pie-life. But he didn't want that. Now that he had a choice, he wanted to stay with the Winchesters, who were waiting in the Impala for him. With a sad smile Cas turned and made his way towards his new brothers.

When Cas climbed into the back seat Dean turned and grinned at him.

"So, where are we heading?"

"Wherever you want to go Cas, it's up to you."

"Something to eat sounds good; I could kill a burger right now!"

"That was like music to my ears, PROPPER MUSIC, Sammy. Anyway, a crappy diner it is then."

"Jerk!" Sam attempted to toss a candy at his brother's head, but Dean simply caught it, pulled off the wrapper and threw the sweet into his mouth, all the while with a cocky grin. Then, with a flourish, he chucked the wrapper at Sam, laughing when it got caught in his floppy hair.

"And that is yet another reason why you should get a haircut!"

"Bitch!"

"Winchesters!" All three men looked at each other before bursting into laughter, they weren't quite sure where this road was going to take them, but for the time being stuffing their faces with unhealthy crap, or marginally healthy crap in Sam's case, seemed like a good idea.

Having suitably stuffed themselves to bursting point, Sam, Dean and Cas returned to their motel room and put on some old black and white western movie, which they barely paid attention to. They had mainly spent the venting chatting so all Cas had picked up was a guy riding a horse shooting another guy on a horse, then at some point some American Indians had popped up and then a load more people were dead and in the end the main guy kissed some pretty girl and saved the day. Boring.

After a couple of beers and a few rounds of poker with Dean and Sam, Dean winning each time, Cas smiled contentedly and made his way to the bathroom to wash before bed.

Sam and Dean soon followed, all slumping into bed and preparing for sleep. Sam rolled onto his side and shuffled so that his overly-long legs were not in danger of falling from the bed, Dean placed his favorite knife under his pillow in case of emergencies and Cas said a silent prayer.

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness, both for me and my brother. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. Please Lord, accept Lucifer into your safe-keeping and on the great Day of Judgment, raise him up with all the saints to inherit your eternal kingdom. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen."

With that Cas rolled onto his good side and allowed his good arm to wrap protectively around his abdomen. He glanced over at Sam and Dean and smiled as he watched them fight over the spare pillow. _This is where I belong._

Soon Cas was listening to the two brothers snoring softly in their sleep and smiled when Dean began mumbling something about a girl being his "cherry pie…my sweet surprise." Then, as the brothers fell into a deeper sleep and Cas dozed off the room fell into silence. A silence which was broken when one of Dean's many mobile phones began to ring, the sound ricocheting around the room and piercing the silence like a bomb set into motion.

Dean groaned wearily as the incessant bleeps continued, his hands scrambling in a draw until he pulled out the offending device.

"Hello?" Dean held the mobile to his ear with his shoulder and groaned, rubbing a hand over his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up.

"Hey Dean."

"This had better be good Bobby, it's fricken four in the morning!"

"I've found you boys a hunt, are you up for it?"

"Yeah, sure. Who's the son of a bitch that's giving you grief?"

"Poltergeist. It's gone native, full on revengeful spirit crap."

"Sure thing Bobby, we'll be round first thing tomorrow to drop Cas round with you."

"What? You still hanging around with the boy? I didn't think you were the type to take in strays."

"Bobby! Yes, we are still hanging with him, the kid has nowhere else to go."

"But his brothers…"

"Are halfway over the ocean by now, on the way back to England. Cas didn't want to go with them. Anyway, will you look after Cas for us while we are hunting?"

"Yeah, he can stay with me, but I ain't babysitting or anything."

"Thanks Bobby."

"See ya boys then. Stay out of trouble and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"That's probably the worst piece of advice ever given out."

"Shut it ya Idjit."

"Seya tomorrow."

Dean hung up before turning to wake Sam up, who was already awake and sitting up.

"Hunt?"

"Yeah, Bobby's found us a poltergeist."

"Great, I take it we're going then."

"Yep, god knows we owe Bobby a favor after dealing with the last motel and Lucifer's body."

"What if Cas finds out what's up, I mean Bobby's place is hardly subtle?"

"Good point."

Sam and Dean exchanged looks at the young boy who was fast asleep in the bed next to them. He had been through so much for someone so young and there was far too much pain in his eyes. It had only been a matter of weeks since Sam and Dean had managed to bust him out from the cottage, and even less time since they had managed to break down his internal walls and make Cas come out of his shell a little.

The last thing he needed was to be told that there were yet more monsters out there that would hurt him as soon as look at him. No, the Winchesters had to protect Cas from that, he was just a child. They would not let him suffer any more, not under their watch…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a sequel to this fic called Are You With Me, which follows on from the destiel chapter, if you want to check it out!
> 
> Please let me know what you thought <3 Comments are my oxygen!


	9. Destiel Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Destiel ending, with some smut because I can't resist.

_Say it once, tell me twice,_   
_Are you certain I'm alright?_   
_Just a sign, to remind me,_   
_That tomorrow's worth the fight,_   
_Ever changing the storyline that keeps me alive._

_So make a wish, and say…_   
_Give me life, give me love,_   
_Scarlet angel from above._   
_Not so low, not so high,_   
_Keep it perfectly disguised._

Balthazar and Gabriel returned to their room when Cas had fallen asleep rested against Gabriel's side. They had booked the room next to the Winchester's in case anything went wrong or if Cas needed them. Now that they were back, both brothers were determined not to let Castiel down again.

Neither had slept much all night, both plagued by images of Cas being tortured and locked up, and in Gabriel's case flashbacks of Cas' bruised and battered body.

"Gabe, you awake?"

"Yeah."

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know. I don't know what we can do. I feel dreadful."

"Me too." There didn't seem to be anything left to say so Balthazar rolled over and hugged his feather pillow closer, waking up an hour later with a start after dreaming about Lucifer looming over Cas with a knife.

They had arranged to meet Cas and the Winchesters at breakfast the next morning and plastered on false smiles when they joined them at a table.

"Morning everyone." Gabe grinned and sat down at the table but was immediately uneasy when he saw that Cas was not with them. Balthazar didn't take a seat, staring around for his brother; hands clenched into fists, what else could possible go wrong?

"Where's Castiel?"

"Don't worry, he's on his way. Said something about praying so we left him to it." Balthazar nodded and finally took a seat next to Gabriel, who was next to Sam. This left the seat between Dean and Balthazar free for Cas.

"So. Boys. Now what? We stare at each other for the rest of eternity?" Gabriel's attempt at humor fell rather flat and he stared somewhat awkwardly down at his hands, waiting for someone to break the silence.

"So, um, how come you moved to England?" Balthazar's expression revealed that Sam's question had not gone down well, but the eldest brother calmly explained about the job offer he had received and how Gabriel had wanted to get away for a while, his relationship with their father hadn't been the best.

"What, so you just upped and left Cas with Lucifer?"

"I-I didn't know Lucifer could ever do anything like that. I mean he is-was my brother too. I loved him and I thought he loved the family to. He was always Dad's favorite." There was a hint of jealousy in Gabriel's tone, but it failed to cover up the fact that Gabriel was taken aback by Dean's arrogance and aggression. The dick didn't have a clue about his family life. People always saw him as the joker, the runt of the family who ran off to study sociology and psychology rather than math and science. The human mind fascinated him and he felt a great love for his species, just because he wasn't the most successful businessman ever did not mean that he was worthless.

"Shut your cake-hole. You don't know anything about my family. I loved my father, and my brothers. Loved them! But I was so fed up with the arguing, I needed to escape. I couldn't bear it! Okay? So I left. If I'd have known what that big bag of dicks was going to do to my brother I would never have moved!" Dean could hear the sincerity in Gabriel's voice and found himself feeling slightly guilty, who was he to judge when it came to bad decisions about family?

"Sorry man, just a bit tired. It's been a stressful few weeks."

"Sure, I'm sorry too. I guess you did find Cas, if you hadn't I hate to think what would have happened!" Gabriel and Balthazar shuddered at the thought, the eldest remaining silent. He had listened to Gabriel's tirade and felt awful, he should have done more to keep their family together.

Everyone at the table let out a small sigh of relief when Castiel entered the breakfast room, albeit walking with a slight limp due to the pain in his side.

"Hey Cas." Everyone smiled as if nothing had happened when Castiel sat down, offering him cups of tea, coffee and juice, all of which he politely refused, with him settling for a glass of water.

"You alright little brother?" Balthazar looked concerned, the Cas he remembered had always had a love for sweet food, drinking hot-chocolates with extra sweetener or tea with four sugars.

"I'm fine." The look that Gabriel shot Cas made him open up within an instant, he could always get through to Cas when they were younger and it seemed as if some things never change.

"I just feel a little bit queasy, the painkillers don't agree with me much."

"You should eat something." Dean stood and led Cas to the continental breakfast table, watching as Cas loaded a bowl with fresh fruit. He'd have done anything to escape that table!

"Uh, I meant something with a few calories. You need to eat a burger or something, get some meat on your bones." Cas tilted his head, wondering why Dean would care about his 'meat,' unless Dean was a vampire, but then he realized that Dean was being ironic. It seemed like years of hardship and time spent away from Gabriel had taken its toll on Cas' sense of humor.

When they both returned to the table, Cas’ having compromised with two slices of plain toast, Sam grunted in disgust at Dean's plate. Well, plates. He had managed to cram a stack of pancakes the size of his head on one plate, had waffles on another and to top it all off he was balancing pot of full-fat yoghurt on one of his wrists.

"What is up with you and your food choices? It's 8 in the morning!"

"You can talk salad boy…ugh that salad cream gloop you eat!" A look of disgust crossed Dean's features. "It's like eating self righteousness or something. Anyway, what's wrong with my food?"

"It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism."

"Shut up bitch, I like it!"

"Unhealthy jerk."

"Ouch that hurt Sammy." Dean mocked looking offended before cramming a forkful or syrup loaded pancakes into his mouth and groaning in satisfaction. "Ugh God you got to taste this." Sam looked amused but realized that the others at the table seemed less impressed.

"You haven't said Grace." It was Balthazar who spoke up first, offering a hand to Gabriel and Castiel.

"Grace?"

"We need to thank God for bringing us back together, for providing us with food and love at a time when we need it most."

"Uh, yeah, of course." Dean grimaced internally when he realized how chick flick this looked but did not comment, instead linking hands with the others at the table. He noted Cas glance at Balthazar, who gave him an encouraging nod before Cas opened his mouth to speak

"Thank you, Lord, for this food which is set before us. May we use it to nourish our bodies, and thee to nourish our souls. Make us ever more mindful of the needs of others, and the needs of our planet. Please forgive me my sins, O Lord; forgive me the sins of my youth and the sins of mine age, the sins of my soul and the sins of my body, my secret and my whispering sins, the sins I have done to please myself and the sins I have done to please others. Forgive those sins which I know, and the sins which I know not; forgive them, O Lord, forgive them all of Thy great goodness. Through Christ Our Lord, Amen."

Dean was surprised when he found himself saying Amen at the end of the prayer, along with everyone else at the table. Usually Dean would have laughed or scoffed, but something about the prayer seemed poetic and though he would never admit it aloud, it was beautiful coming from Cas' plump, red lips. Hang on, why am I noticing how red his lips are, or for that matter how blue his eyes are…MAN UP DEAN. But his eyes really are beautiful…so deep and full of emotion, they almost seemed to sparkle…DEAN, get a grip!  
After that everyone made idle small-talk, smiling more than necessary in Cas' direction hoping that he would not notice the worry in their eyes. It was as if they expected him to vanish or puff into a cloud of smoke. Cas however had noticed and looked uncomfortable with all the extra attention, so Dean placed a calming hand on his knee and caught Cas' eye, assuring him that everything was alright.

The only real break in tension was when 'My Heart Will Go On' began to play from the speakers, which were meant to be playing calming atmospheric music that wasn't disagreeable. Within two bars of the song Balthazar stood up and excused himself stating that he needed the bathroom and would be back in a minute, but everyone heard him mumble something along the lines of "that god-awful Celine Dion song made me want to smite myself!"

As soon as he left Gabriel sprung into action, spooning some chili flakes into Balthazar's coffee and stirring it in until they had dissolved. If the hotel staff were kind enough to put chili flakes on the breakfast table, who was he to refuse them and their hospitality? The flakes were certainly going to good use.

"That was slightly harsh." Sam didn't know whether to be amused or to stand up for Balthazar, he quite liked the guy.

"Nah, this is nothing, you should have seen the Nair in the shampoo, Balthy didn't talk to me for a week!"

"No way, you didn't?!" Dean was now grinning for ear to ear, but Sam looked less amused, filling Cas and Gabe in.

"We were having a bit of a prank war and Dean thought it would be funny to do that to me as well…some people 'ey Cas, cant take 'em anywhere!" Cas smiled weakly, waiting for Balthazar to return, it would certainly be amusing.

When the eldest brother came back, thankfully when Celine Dion had stopped wailing, everyone forced a neutral expression, Cas biting his lower lip.

"You guys miss me?"

"Oh so much. It was like getting feathers plucked or something, not that I've ever been plucked or have feathers, but I guess for a bird it would be painful. Anyway, you get the gist."

"Whatever Gabe." Balthazar slumped back into his seat and grabbed his coffee, god knows he needed it after last night! Everyone watched with baited breath as he took the first sip, and then the second, and then…

"GABRIEL!" The familiar shout echoed through the breakfast room and reverberated around the corridor of the motel, but Gabriel had already disappeared somewhere. He knew to quit whilst he was ahead.

Later that night it was Balthazar who broached a subject that everyone had been avoiding all day.

"Um Cas, the thing is that me and Gabe need to head back to England in a couple of days. We are both settled there, houses, mortgages, jobs, girlfriends. What I'm trying to say is, come with us. You need a fresh start, to get away from everything."

A fresh start. Cas thought about that choice of phrasing for a while. He knew this had been coming and thought he had made a decision. He would leave with his brothers, his family, where he belonged, it was the obvious option. But did he really belong with them? He loved his brothers and would do anything for them, but they hadn't seen each other for years. Something just didn't seem right. However, when Cas looked at Sam and Dean he realized that they were the ones that he truly cared about, especially Dean. He was the one who had found Cas, coaxed him out from behind his walls, both physical and emotional. Dean was the one who had fixed his arm, sewed him up and placed the shattered pieces of Cas' heart back together. He would trust Dean with anything and couldn't quite place the feeling he got when he looked deep into Dean's emerald green eyes. He felt sort of warm, but that seemed too cliché to describe the intense emotion. There was no way to describe that feeling.

That was when it hit Cas, he had feelings for Dean. Dean had saved him and somewhere along the line of comfort and reassurances, something had flipped. Cas felt warm and at home when Dean was hugging him, when Dean rubbed his back as he cried. Dean was the one who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and Sammy to. Sam was like a brother to him, more than Gabriel and Balthazar had been over the last few years.

"I think, I think that I should stay here." Cas tilted his head towards Sam and Dean who looked bemused, but gave him a slight nod to let him know that they were ok with whatever Cas chose to do. It didn't cross either of their minds that they hunted monsters for a living, I mean, how were they going to break that one to Cas.

_Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention the fact that we are hunters. Well, hunters is a bit of a loose term, we technically go out and kill evil sons of bitches, it's the family business. You know everything you ever thought went bump in the night when you were a kid, chances are that they do…yeah werewolves, vampires too, and there are also some monsters you wouldn't be able to dream up. Fancy meeting a Wendigo?_

Cas let out a small gasp of relief when Dean nodded. Dean wanted him to stay, maybe he had feelings for Cas too, but Cas was not going to make the first move. He would wait for Dean to act, he didn't want to get hurt again, but for now that nod was all the conformation Cas needed. He knew he was making the right choice.

"Cas? Are you sure man, we could start again. Be a proper family." Gabriel looked at his brother, tears prickling in the back of his eyes. Castiel had never seen Gabriel cry and the sight almost tore through his resolve, but he was tougher now. What hadn't killed him made him stronger and he was certain that the place he belonged was by Dean and Sam's side.

"I'm sure. I love you, but I belong here with Sam and Dean, I am happy here."

"I understand Cas and you know I will stand by you no matter what, we are brothers, but this is a huge decision. Are you sure this is what you want?" Balthazar smiled mournfully down at his little brother, knowing that along the way part of their relationship had been lost.

They just weren't the same people any more. Cas wasn't a vulnerable child who needed protection from his older brothers. He was hardened like a soldier; he had seen and witnessed things that very few could even imagine. Yes, he was still young and yes he was in a fragile state of mind, but he was by no means defenseless. His stand-off with Lucifer proved that. Cas could defend himself and make his own decisions, and it looked as if his mind was made up.

"Yes. I'm sorry Balthazar, Gabriel."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Sam and Dean both left the room when the three brothers enveloped each other in their arms, it was a private scene and neither Winchester was particularly well adapted to surviving chick flick moments.

Cas stood tall with his feet standing slightly apart wearing both his beige trench coat, which thankfully had been dry cleaned, and a slight frown. He had tilted his head to the side in order to watch his two elder brothers walk through the automatic doors at the airport. They were really leaving. For a moment Cas wondered whether he had made the right decision, and he contemplated leaving America behind, considered flying, soaring high in the skies with his brothers.

But he didn't follow them.

Instead, Cas turned his back on his family, rebelling against what society would expect of him, and he didn't care. If anything, the thing he was most worried about was the fact that he didn't care about the fact that he didn't care. Surely he should be feeling something, grief at his family walking away from him again, but he didn't. Instead, he felt free. It was almost as if the world had opened up to him, he could do whatever he wanted now, had the ability to use his free will however he wished. He could follow the American dream, find a nice cottage and live an apple-pie-life. But he didn't want that. Now that he had a choice, he wanted to stay with the Winchesters, who were waiting in the Impala for him. With a sad smile Cas turned and made his way towards Sam and Dean and couldn't help but feel a sense of belonging. It was as if he had been born to curl up beside Dean, to be comforted in his strong arms.

He had a stronger bond with Sam now as well, not as profound as his and Dean's but still it was there, a kind of familial love. He felt as if he could now trust Sam to a certain extent and loved him in the same way that he loved his brothers. He just hoped that this time the relationship would hold out and stand the test of time.

When Cas climbed into the back seat Dean turned and grinned at him, making Cas' heart flutter.

"So, where are we heading?"

"Wherever you want to go Cas, it's up to you."

"Something to eat sounds good; I could kill a burger right now!"

"That was like music to my ears, PROPPER MUSIC, Sammy. Anyway, a crappy diner it is then."

"Jerk!" Sam attempted to toss a candy at his brother's head, but Dean simply caught it, pulled off the wrapper and threw the sweet into his mouth, all the while with a cocky grin. Them with a flourish he chucked the wrapper at Sam, laughing when it got caught in his floppy hair.

"And that is yet another reason why you should get a haircut!"

"Bitch!"

"Winchesters!" All three men looked at each other before bursting into laughter, they weren't quite sure where this road was going to take them, but for the time being stuffing their faces with unhealthy crap, or marginally healthy crap in Sam's case, seemed like a good idea.

Having suitably stuffed themselves to bursting point, Sam, Dean and Cas left the restaurant, Sam announcing that he was going to head over to Bobby's to get some supplies. Their stash of bullets had been diminished by the events with Lucifer and Dean thought it would be best if Cas didn't go round to Bobby's house unless necessary. It would be too risky, what with all of Bobby's paraphernalia, books, salt and the devils traps on the ceilings and floors. That would take a lot of explaining!

"Seya tomorrow guys, I should be back with you around lunchtime, wanna meet at the motel room, then we can go get lunch together?"

"Sure thing Sammy, seya tomorrow."

"Bye Sam, travel safely." Cas pulled his trench coat tightly around him as he made his way over to the Impala with Dean, Sam grabbing a ride with a young couple heading in his direction. Hitchhiking sucks, but needs must.

After a couple of beers Cas and Dean slumped down on the sofa next to each other, half watching a western movie. Both men kept glancing up at the other and smiling, Cas aware of the fact that his cheeks had taken on a pink hue. Cas only moved when he got too hot, pulling off his beige trench coat leaving him in a rather see-through white shirt (it wasn't of the best quality but it was all the Winchester's could afford) and a second hand tie, which wasn't done up correctly.

Dean smiled at Castiel, his slightly disheveled clothing matched with Cas' messy dark brown hair looked so innocent, and damn Castiel was hot. His jaw line was perfect, his deep blue eyes soul-searching. Dean shivered slightly and forced his mind to focus on something else.

Cas ran a hand through his hair, aware of how Dean kept smiling at him, but after a while he relaxed his body fully and subconsciously felt himself rest up against Dean's side. Cas grinned inwardly when Dean made no move to pull away.

When the western movie ended Dean leant forward for the remote and turned the television off before slumping back into the seat and turning to Cas, finding himself almost nose to nose with the younger man, and he looked so god damn beautiful.

Before Dean knew what he was doing he planted a soft kiss against Cas' soft lips, groaning tenderly at how smooth they were. Then he realized what he had just done.

"Oh God! I'm so sorry, I …" Before Dean could get out another word Cas leant in a little more and let out a quiet shushing noise. Cas looked at Dean's face, how confused and yet hopeful the man looked, how his freckles seemed to stand out more than usual from his tanned skin, and Cas made his mind up. Without another thought, Cas closed the gap between him and Dean and placed a firm kiss onto Dean's mouth, then pulled away just to peck his lips again. Dean couldn't believe what was happening but he knew that it was going to be great. He carefully shifted around so that he was gently pushing Cas' head against the back of his sofa, exposing Cas' neck.

Cas let out a lustful moan when Dean began to gently kiss his neck, occasionally stopping to look up at Cas to check that he was alright and enjoying this treatment, before returning to the job in hand. Dean gently sucked on the' pale skin of Cas’ neck, making the younger man quiver and lean into Dean's lips, desperate for more.

Dean then turned his attention back to Cas' lips, and then ears, sucking gently at his earlobes, all the while playing with Cas' messy hair. He couldn't help but grin when he noted how Cas' was flushing red beneath him, his lips open in a silent cry of pleasure.

"D-Dean." Cas finally found his voice and sat up a little, causing Dean to shift back a bit.

"Yes Cas, what is it?"

"I-I, I love you." There, he had said it. This was the make or break, but Castiel had to know. He had to find out if Dean felt the same way.

"I love you too Cas." Dean answered without a moment’s hesitation and when Cas broke out into a wide grin he captured those lips, the lips that now belonged to him. Cas tilted his head and was amazed at how perfectly his nose seemed to fit next to Dean's, closing his eyes to fully enjoy the moment. He was in heaven!

This time, the kiss was longer, little pecks just didn't suffice and Castiel actually whimpered when he felt Dean nibbling at his bottom lip, asking for permission to deepen the kiss. Castiel was willing to let him in whole-heartily, opening his mouth and groaning when he felt Dean's tongue inside of him, running along the inside of his lower lip and lightly darting over the tip of Cas' tongue. Then, when Cas seemed to be enjoying the kiss, Dean began to deepen his strokes and add more pressure, mapping out the roof and sides of his mouth and exploring under Cas' tongue.

Castiel didn't really know what he was doing, but he began to move his own tongue against Dean's, pressing his lips tighter against Dean's chapped ones, varying the pressure and making Dean groan deep in the back of his throat. Yet there was no fight for dominance, Dean was not going to push Cas and Cas was happy to give as much as he took. He wanted to make Dean feel good, he wanted to show Dean how much he loved him.

Cas felt Dean wrap his arms around his shoulder and pull him closer, then spun them around so that Cas was sitting on Dean's lap, straddling him. Dean beamed up at Cas, letting him know that he was in control. Dean was allowing him to take things further at his own pace so that he didn't feel pressured into anything and Cas knew that this was the man who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. If Dean was sensitive enough to put Cas' emotional wellbeing first, then he was perfect.

Cas placed his left hand under Dean's cheek, raising his head so that Cas could look into those emerald green eyes and pulled Dean close enough that he could make out each one of Dean's long, curled eyelashes. Those eyes were so beautiful, and they were looking up at Cas, who still couldn't believe this was happening. Since when did anything ever go right for him?

Moving his right hand to the side of Dean's face, Cas swept the pad of his thumb across Dean's prominent cheek bone, and tilted Dean's face upwards so that he could kiss Dean again, this time pushing his tongue into Dean's mouth first. He could still taste the slight tang of apple and cinnamon from the pie Dean had eaten at the diner and he just couldn't get enough. He moaned again when Dean placed his hands around the back of Cas' head, tangling his fingers once more into Cas' hair before trailing his hands up Cas' shirt and down Cas' back, along his prominent spine and then up to his shoulder blades. Dean started to rub Cas' shoulder.

With a small nod both men stood and pulled each other into a tight embrace, Dean being careful of Cas' still tender side. When Cas leant fully against Dean, Dean smiled and began to undo his tie, pulling at the tight knot until it came undone in front of him, just as Castiel was doing. Dean kept hold of the tie whilst he began to slowly undo the buttons of Cas' shirt, one at a time and all the while staring into Cas' pearly blue eyes, which had their usual shimmer back. They were no longer dim, as they had been since Lucifer's death. They sparkled and took Dean's breath away.

When Cas' shirt fell to the floor Cas seemed to retreat into himself a little, removing his arms from Dean's waist and holding one in front of his shallow stomach and bandages, the other over a patch of skin on his chest, which was littered with raised purple scars. _What am I doing? I can't do this! I am so ugly, Dean will hate me if he sees my body like this, I am covered in cuts and bruises. Dean deserves nothing less than perfection._

Dean immediately noticed how Cas had tensed in front of him and how he was attempting to cover up some of the worst scarring. Dean sighed a little, taking Cas' arms and pulling them away from Cas' body. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen them before when he and Sam had been patching Castiel up.

"Castiel, you are perfect. You don't have to hide your scars from me; I love you just the way you are. They are just a marker of how brave you are, of what you have managed to survive and live through. They are a sign of bravery. My body isn't 'perfect' either. Look." Dean turned and began to point out the numerous scars that littered his body, marks made by Wendigos, Vampires, Werewolves and Poltergeists to name a few. The marks that revealed a multitude of sins.

"Oh Dean! What happened?" Cas reached out a trembling finger out to trace along the scars and felt himself relax again. Dean loved him the way he was and wasn't going to judge him.

"Life."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Cas. Just get some confidence in yourself, you are perfect, trust me."

"I do trust you, I trust you with my life."

Dean buried his face in the hollow dip below Cas' collar bone, wiping the single tear that had trickled down his cheek.

Dean very carefully began to trace a hand along the bandages around Cas' abdomen and eased his fingers under the waistband of Cas' pants, kissing the younger man as he did so. Dean could feel Cas' hip bone dipping down and allowed himself a brief moment of worry at how skinny Cas was, but erased the thought. He could deal with that tomorrow.

In Dean's mind, Castiel was as perfect and as beautiful as an angel. Castiel was a gift from god sent to save him.

"Oh god Dean, you are so perfect. Dean, I want, I need…" Dean nodded and undid Cas' fly, slipping his pants down and watching as Cas stepped out of the bundle of clothing at his feet, leaving the younger man in his boxers. So Cas didn't feel completely exposed, Dean undid his own pants leaving them both half naked. Dean wrapped an arm around Cas' and led him to the bed, watching as his lover lay down on his back. Dean crawled up in the space between Cas' legs and hesitatingly began to palm at Cas' clothed and rapidly growing erection. Dean could feel Cas come undone under his touch and it made him feel amazing, for the first time in his life Dean was enjoying giving pleasure more than receiving it. He could see Cas open his mouth and saw his chest rising and falling rapidly as Cas panted. God it felt so good.

Dean could feel his own erection pressing against his own boxers, the friction almost becoming too much and he could see that Cas felt the same. With a white-toothed smile Dean pulled Cas' boxers off and began to gently stroke his length, taking it slowly and torturously tracing his calloused fingers along Cas' shaft.

"Dean!"

Cas began to writhe under Dean's touch, desperate for more. He needed more friction. Cas' hips bucked and he gasped when Dean began to pick up the pace.

"S-stop." Dean stilled his hand immediately, wondering if Cas was having second thoughts but then he felt Cas pulling down his boxers and allowed himself to be pushed against the headboard and being propped up by scratchy motel pillows. Cas then sat on top of Dean, wrapping his legs around Dean's waist before taking Dean's erection in his own hand. Dean grunted at the touch which was sending shivers up his spine. He couldn't take much more of this. Cas' hand was moving at just the right pace, and with every stroke up Dean's shaft he would twist his hand and run his thumb over the tip of Dean's penis, causing the older man to gasp and writhe. Dean took hold of Cas' erection and mimicked his motions, both men stroking each other and panting heavily. Dean's back arching in pleasure.

"Dean, I want to…" Dean nodded and reached into the bedside table draw, pulling out a bottle of lube. Cas' confused expression made him smile.

"Lube Cas, it will make it easier. Do you um…want to go on top?" Dean had never made love with a man before, sure he had toyed with some drunkards in alleyways, hand and blowjobs but never anything like this. The idea had never occurred to him, there was no one he had felt comfortable enough to do this with. Whenever he had imagined having sex with another man he had always been dominant, but it seemed like a good idea to give Cas a choice.

"N-no. I think..ugh god that feels good! I-I want to be on the bottom. I want to be able to look up at you as I…uhhh." Cas groaned when Dean's hand left his erection so that he could coat a finger with lube.

"Patience is a virtue Cas." Dean grinned as Cas began to writhe beneath him and very carefully began to trace his finger along Cas' hole, eliciting a whimper from the younger man.

"Please Dean…" Dean took this as his cue and gently began to ease his finger into Cas, who stilled beneath him as he felt Dean enter deep into his knuckles. Dean began to move his hand slowly, stroking Cas and marveling at how the younger man's muscles clenched against the intrusion.

"More, I need more…" Cas was cut off by a large groan when Dean curled his finger against his prostate. He had never felt anything like it and for a moment his head spun and he practically saw stars.

"Are you ok with this Cas?" Dean felt Cas stiffen beneath him and wondered again if Cas was having second thoughts, but Cas soon began to buck his hips again once the overwhelming sensation had died down a bit.

"Don't stop. Please don't stop. So good!" Dean nodded and leant down to capture Cas' lips in a tender kiss, moving one hand up and down Cas' erection so that Cas wouldn't notice the burn when he added a second, and then a third finger.

Dean soon began to pick up the pace, scissoring his fingers apart and applying copious amounts of lubricant until Cas was a panting mess beneath him. When he was sure Cas was ready Dean lined himself up and very gently and slowly eased himself into Cas, stopping and pausing to let the younger man adjust to being so fully stretched.

When Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck the hunter began to roll his hips slowly, hitting Cas' prostate with each thrust.

"Please Dean, faster."

"Your wish is my command." Dean picked up the pace until he was fully pounding into Cas, who let out a low growl of pleasure as Dean too began to moan.

"You feel so good Cas, so, so good."

Soon Cas was panting and quivering and he could feel his own orgasm rapidly approaching. Dean picked up the pace and Cas began bucking into Dean until he finally came all over both of their stomachs. With just two more thrusts Dean also came undone, spilling himself into the younger man before collapsing boneless beside him, pulling Cas into a tight hug and nuzzling his nose into Cas' cheek, he did not have enough breath to kiss him yet.

Cas rolled onto his good side and buried his face into Dean's heaving chest, breathing in the musky scent of leather and motel soap.

"T-that was amazing Dean. I-I've never…you know."

"You've never had sex?" Dean could not believe his ears, a man as perfect as Cas would surely have had flings at school.

"Well, I mean I've never…y'know. And, well, I am a Christian and I've never really had occasion to um…"

"I think we'll just have to make up for it then." Dean laced his hands into Cas' hair and sat in silence, listening to Cas' breathing deepen as he fell asleep, finally feeling safe and at peace for the first time in years. Dean pulled the duvet up over Castiel and leant to turn the bedside light off before closing his eyes. He was only just able to make out Castiel's form in front of him.

He was just drifting off when he heard his phone vibrate. Dean groaned and shifted, careful not to wake Castiel, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully for once.

"Hello?"

"Hey Dean."

"Sam? I am human y'know. I need my beauty sleep, is a few hours of peace too much to ask for." Dean would normally have raised his voice in exasperation but he forced himself to remain calm. Cas was still asleep so he carried on whispering.

"There's been a slight change of plan. Do you think you can come over here tomorrow, Bobby has found us a job."

"Who's the son of a bitch that's giving him grief?"

"Poltergeist. It's gone native, full on revengeful spirit crap."

"Sure thing. God knows we owe Bobby a favor after dealing with the last motel and Lucifer's body. We'll be round first thing tomorrow to drop Cas round, then we can leave straight from Bobby's."

"What if Cas finds out what's up, I mean Bobby's place is hardly subtle?"

"Good point."

Dean glanced down at Castiel who was fast asleep with one arm now wrapped around Dean's waist. He had been through so much for someone so young and there was far too much pain in his eyes. It had only been a matter of weeks since Sam and Dean had managed to bust him out from the cottage and even less time since they had managed to break down his internal walls and made Cas come out of his shell a little.

The last thing he needed was to be told that there were yet more monsters out there that would hurt him as soon as look at him. No, Dean had to protect Cas from that.

Dean would not let him suffer any more, not under his watch…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a sequel to this fic called Are You With Me, which follows on from this Destiel chapter, if you want to check it out!
> 
> Please let me know what you thought <3 Comments are my oxygen!


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